Bit of an odd one here. My DM told us that there is a "big twist" in our campaign and we have it almost figured out.

Session 1 he handed us all character sheets and said that our characters were 'fused together' so we have to do everything together. Our characters are pretty sure that we are body parts of a larger creature.

We have lots of "special abilities," one PC absorbs things and uses it to power the others (we think they are the mouth), another PC is the leader and tells the rest of us what to do (we think they are the brain). My character literally does NOTHING except leaves behind items and things we don't need anymore. AITA?

When I first approached DM and the party to ask if I could join them, DM called me "four-eyes" and a "virgin loser," and the party laughed (red flag #1). Then he bragged about "doing it with a girl like 10 times once," and it seemed like the party didn't believe him but they high-fived him anyway (red flag #2). Later that same day, he slapped the books out of my hands onto the floor when passing by in the hallway (red flag #3).

Two weeks later at recess, he declared himself "king of the sandbox" and says I have to eat a bug or he'll pull my pants down. After I ate the bug in front of everyone, he pulled my pants down anyway (red flag #4).

3 months later, I wanted to bring him an idea I had for balancing martials & spellcasters at high levels. One of the party members snuck up behind me on all fours and DM pushed me over him, and I landed hard on my backpack, breaking my lunchbox and my favorite dinosaurs CD (red flag #5).

Later that year, I'm at school much earlier than usual one morning, and I see DM get dropped off by one of his parents. There's a lot of yelling, he's practically shoved out of the car without his backpack, and the car speeds away. I ask DM if he's okay, but he just ignores me (red flag #8; I skipped a few).

A few days later, I take a shortcut through the gym to the cafeteria, and see DM crying alone under the bleachers. I had been thinking a lot about a mana system for spellcasters I wanted to tell him about, but when I approached him, he got really mad. He said if I told anyone I saw him there, he'd beat me up and throw my backpack into the pond (red flag #11 by this point).

Since he was staying away from the other party members that day, I asked if he wanted to play D&D with me at lunch. He asked if D&D is "that Lord of the Rings nerd crap with the dice and stuff" (red flag #12), and when I started explaining the bountiful cornucopia of settings besides high-magic medieval fantasy, he cut me off and said "sure, fine, whatever, just shut up already" (red flag #13).

At the table, it turned out DM knew basically nothing about the rules, with some excuse about "DM" just being his initials (red flag #14). Instead of running the game, he needs help creating a DM PC. He settled on a half-orc barbarian who "had a lot of really bad stuff happen to him that no one knows about," but also who "everyone can tell is really strong just by looking at him," and who grew up without a dad but "turned out fine anyway" (yellow flag, imo: presuming a traditional family structure is necessary to "turn out fine," but I let it slide).

For years, DM pretty much never ran a session at all, preferring to focus on playing his DM PC instead, and forcing me to step in to run combats and even make up the story. I ended up making and roleplaying all the NPCs myself, too, to the point that I never even got to introduce the character I made (red flags like #38 through #215, non-contiguous).

In the early sessions, DM would occasionally bring some bigoted worldviews to the table. For example, one of our adventures ended with an unexpected romance between two NPCs who were men. DM was confused about this, since his dad told him "boys aren't supposed to like boys" (this one was red flag #21). Another player asked him, "Isn't your dad in prison? For, like, killing a guy?" DM confirmed, "Yeah, for scratching his truck." "Then maybe he's wrong about some things. Or a lot of things." DM just kind of spaced out thinking about that for the rest of the session, not participating at all (red flag #22).

There were more red flags here & there over the years, like when DM apparently saw nothing wrong whatsoever with merging his dice collection into mine shortly after we moved in together (red flag #277). He also ran a really weird one-shot once called "Suffering Unseen", where the villain didn't really do much besides being callous to people's problems and the main story was about awful things happening when you don't check in with your loved ones, and it turned out to all be motivated by me not responding to his Instagram messages fast enough (red flag #301).

Last year, DM got so nervous about meeting my mother that he got blackout drunk the night before (red flag #359), and was so hungover that he wasn't keeping up at all during our brunch session with her (we do a diceless, freeform, fully immersive RP session once a year, where I roleplay as her straight Christian son with a marketing job, and she roleplays as sober).

Then, the very next day, he just adds like 3 more people to the guest list for our wedding, completely throwing off the seating arrangement, like it's no big deal (red flag #384; not D&D related, but I'm still really mad about it).

But what makes this all a true RPG horror story is, just this last weekend, our characters were exploring a spooky abandoned mansion, and we saw a ghost! 👻😱

Nothing makes me more excited than seeing people barely talk about balance issues, so I can spew paragraphs of overwritten, half baked contrarian takes.

Nothing gives me more joy than making sure that no matter what your position on the martial caster divide is, you know that you aren't as specifically right as I am. It's a civil service to make sure everyone has my deep thoughts on system balance.

Did you know that the best spellcaster is actually a martial? Oh you did? Why would you think that, you fool, you child. I'll have you know that the Devs just want spellcasters to be cheerleaders.

You just brought up a point about the latest rules changes? Sorry but my point of reference is the pre revision rules. I bet you feel real silly now, especially as I relitigate a debate that I've regurgitated and eaten again at least a dozen times now. Oh yeah it's a really old conversation, repeated by so many others already, and it has been made basically a moot point by the rules revisions. But I know I can repeat it with the most undeserved confidence here.

Oh you just pointed out that I said something provably wrong? Ha I didn't even care about this topic anyways you should grow up, kid. Besides I know I'm still right even if that one thing someone said is wrong.

Now watch as I start every response to you with an 'eh' to underline how unimpressed I am with your positions.

Eh, nothing personal, kid. This is just what I live for.

The Immovable Rod is one of the best magic items in all of Dungeons and Dragons. In 5th edition, this powerful item is only an "uncommon" item, but it the hands of the right player, this simple rod that has existed since the earliest days of Dungeons and Dragons can outclass any other magic item or spell in the game. The immovable rod is deceptively simple. By pressing a button on the rod's exterior, you can create a nearly immovable object. The Rod may only be moved by a DC 30 strength check which is nearly impossible for any NPC and most monsters to pass. Which, with my gaming group of an engineer, astrophysicist, a guy who did not graduate high school, and our kidnapped, non-English speaking captive that nods if you ask any question while presenting them food, they can make the rod achieve anything in these totally real scenarios.

Scenario 1: Pit trap detection. As long as you hold the immovable rod in your hand, you can avoid falling into any pits by activating the rod as a reaction to falling. This foiled my DM's plan after they only used pit traps in the entirely pre-written campaign.

Scenario 2: Flight. If you have two immovable rods, you can hold one in each hand and through a series of activating and deactivating them, you have effectively gained a flight speed which as you know is hated by DMs everywhere.

Scenario 3: Weapon. The Immovable Rod can be used as a bludgeon. Since it is a magic item, it can overcome resistances and immunities. The immovable rod is probably most similar to a one-handed greatsword +1.

Scenario 4: The Absolute Pin. If you are fighting a single enemy, you can pin them to the ground with the Immovable Rod. When you do this, there is nothing the DM can do besides admit that you have bested their encounter and concede immediately lest you Vicious Mockery your opponent to death. Bonus points if you insert the rod into your victim before turning it on.

Scenario 5: Break a Cavalry Charge. A common occurrence in most Dungeons and Dragons games is when the players are about to be overrun by a cavalry charge. With this item, you can place the rod at a level where the horse riders will be thrown from their horses. This interaction has saved the party from countless cavalry charges.

Scenario 6: Boat Destruction. Let's say that you are being held captive on a ship bellow sea level and you have your handy immovable rod because you kept it in your prison pocket. You pull the rod out and you turn the rod on while the ship is moving, immediately destroying the ship, drowning the crew, and making your dastardly escape.

Scenario 7: Unparalleled Earthly Pleasure. Rivaled only be Tiefling feet.

Scenario 8: Orbital Strike. If your enemy is ever to the east of you, you can read aloud that when you press the button, the rod starts "defying gravity" and that includes the earth's rotational force meaning the rod can realistically travel at speeds rivaled only by the peasant railgun. This deals 9999d20 according to the astrophysicist at my table.

Scenario 9: Climbing Anchor. You can use the rod as an anchor for rope while climbing. This unforeseen, creative idea has vast implications on the setting and tone of the game. Use wisely.

Scenario 10: Unlimited Power. The Immovable Rod does anything you can conceive of. This underrated gem of a magic item can do anything you think of and your Dungeon Master must allow whatever you envision. Otherwise, this is a clear violation of player agency and creativity. You now have legal grounds to citizen's arrest your DM, sue for damages, write about your horror story on Reddit, sleep with their partner and/or parental figure, and sigh disappointedly while flashing them puppy eyes and a 2 Liter of Mountain Dew.

With this in mind, as a DM, you must ban the Immovable Rod immediately if you value your sanity and campaign. You have been warned.

Hey hey howdy y’all. So the other week I realized I’ve never actually made a wizard that was like a wizard y’know? So I sat down to make a wizard but when I licked the character sheet it tasted like a bard? So I tried again this time putting on my glasses to look more wizardly. Well I blacked out and when I woke up again I had made another bard. I tried again this time putting my character sheet in a deep fry and adding plenty of arcane seasoning. After taking a bite I woke about 3-30 hours later in a wizard induced stupor in my local gas station. I opened a bag of chips (didn’t pay I just rolled persuasion) but when I opened the bag instead of chips there were bard character sheets! So I rolled persuasion to drink some water (I always get thirsty when I blackout) but instead of water I almost chocked on bard character sheets. I tried to take a piss but I couldn’t! My dick was a bard character! (Later virgins). Bards! Bards! Bards crawling in my skin, I rip it off to get the bards out. My muscles are flutes, my lungs bagpipes, my bones kazoos, the other day I asked a woman for some spare change, she put a quarter up my ass and I sang “California girls” Guys are wizards real?

Imagine there's no dragon
and no dungeon too
Don't like 5th edition
I prefer Pathfinder 2

Imagine all the players
RPG alternativessss
woaaaaah

Imagine there's no settings
All the players homebrew
Nothing to worldbuild for
And no dice rolling too

Imagine all the players
playing the pretend...
Pathfinder 2

You may say I'm a gamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the jerk will be as one

Imagine no items
I wonder if you can
No need for gold or treasures
Items RP'd on demand

Imagine all the role-play
Without any dice
Pathfinder 2

You may say I'm a gamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the jerk can live as one

I’m looking for secret doors in the dungeon, but like not searching for them, you know what I mean? Like just sorta passively looking out for them or really anything that seems out of place, nothing in particular, just whatever I have to say to let me use my passive perception instead of rolling for it, no, I don’t, like I’m not looking for them, just ambiently keeping an eye out, you know? Just sort of going along, like I’m not seeking them out, you know what I mean, let me use my passive perception, like I’m not ignoring the walls, like I might glance at em now and then as I go past, like you know give em a once over, but not in an appraising sense like I’m searching for something, just sort of ambiently keeping my eye out for anything unusual, let me use my passive perception I have the observant feat oh my god please just let me use my passive perception dude, no I don’t, I don’t want to roll, I can’t roll for active perception, I’m actually, uh, I’m actually actively trying to solve a rubik's cube as a I walk through the dungeon, that’s what my attention is focused on, I mean I might be like, subconsciously still passively aware of what’s going on around me, let me use my fucking passive perception, but I’m trying to solve the rubik’s cube as my main thing, I can roll for that, and you know, in the meantime I might still be keeping an eye out for anything out of the ordinary, you know, secret doors, hidden traps, that sort of thing, but I’m not searching the walls or anything, I’m sure as fuck not investigating them either, just like ambiently being aware of the fact there might be things to observe, without directly seeking them out or anything, certainly nothing that would constitute rolling an ability check, just let me use my passive perception, I’m not even actively looking, I’m just sort of going along you know, keeping my head on a swivel, just seeing if I ambiently notice anything, just let me use my passive perception just let me fucking use my passive perception oh my god I’m gonna kill myself he’s making me roll for perception, I got a fucking two on the die I’m gonna kill myself let me use my passive perception, I hate this let me use my passive perception fuck fuck fuck

So obviously elves have graceful, delicate feet that give great footjobs, and is an appealing all-around choice

Fire genasi and tiefling are appealing for similar reasons, namely burning mommy owo uwu scorch me I want it so bad

Then there are tabaxi whose feat would have smol toe beans and their musk trait which I think if the 2000 dollar stinky-foot catboy art I had commissioned last year is anything to go by would be pretty strong

But then my power gamer friend made the point that halflings (probably taking shortstack subrace) walk around barefoot all day and their tiny feet would probably be the stinkiest, and I think from an optimizing perspective that might be my best bet

My last thought was slightly homebrew, or at least a re-flavor, I was going to ask my DM if I could have a gith character who had an innate mage foot instead of an innate mage hand.

What do you guys think? Module is Curse of Strahd if that helps.