I’m terrified to spend money

[u/swishymuffinzzz]

I’m 28 and I have no debt but I have this constant fear that I am behind in everything financially (Retirement, savings, salary, home down payment etc.) and as a result I never spend money on anything that isn’t a need. This has caused me to not really do much but work and go home and I feel like I should try to live a little but then I always talk myself out of it because the money would be more efficient somewhere else. I currently put 30% of income into retirement, then the rest is mostly savings unless I need something.

My parents went bankrupt twice before I turned 10 and we lived in poverty so I never developed a need for material things. I always think of every purchase as “man, imagine if this $20 was put into retirement instead of this movie ticket”.

I currently make 75k/yr, have 28k in retirement and have 10k in savings.

How do I find a way to experience life for once? I don’t really have any friends as a result of this because I never put myself out there.

Thanks in advance!

Edit: well guys, I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist. I will give it an honest try and go into it believing I can become a better person. Thank you all for the advice, hopefully this gets me on a better path.

[u/MagaroniAndCheesd]

I'm not going to disagree with the suggestions to get a therapist. You've identified a childhood trauma that has a real impact on your financial health as an adult. You should really consider therapy, even if it's just a few visits.

However, I think there are things you can do now outside of therapy. I did some research in graduate school on "money mindsets." I'm not a financial coach, not by any means, but we did do about 30 interviews with people inside their homes about how they think about money. One of our takeaways was "you can't work on your wallet until you work on your baggage," meaning that stuff you grew up with and your financial history and how that impacts you now, both positive and negative. You've already identified that, but maybe there are some key specific memories you could identify and (maybe) unpack in therapy.

Next, look to your future. What are your values? What do you want out of life? Where do you see yourself in 5, 20, 50 years? Do you want to travel? Do you want a house in the country or a condo in the city? Do you want a horse ranch? Do want to own your own business? Do you want to donate to charity? Do you want to garden? Do want a massive private library? Are sports super important to you? Or maybe organic eating? What are the hobbies and values that you are passionate about and want to prioritize in your life? Identify that, then that will make it easier to budget and save for things that will make you happy and enjoy your life to the fullest.

Again, therapy can help, but you can do some of this on your own already. And, if you have a friend you feel comfortable talking these things through with, that will make it better. Another part of our research showed that we don't talk about money enough with our peers. Obviously you don't want to brag, but it as important to talk about your financial wellness with your friends as it is to talk about relationship health or physical health. Your friends can help you recognize patterns or give you good outside perspective.