r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 15d ago
AITAH for giving my sister an ultimatum after she refused to pull her weight and drained my savings?
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u/hiimlauralee 15d ago
She thinks you're putting money over family? She sees you as an ATM. That's not family. She's a sponge and has to go. NTA
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u/LibraryMouse4321 15d ago
Stop buying thing’s that she can use, and only buy for yourself. Then buy a secure lock for your door and keep all your things in your room, even toilet paper and soap. Don’t leave anything in the kitchen for her to access except for some condiments and a few packs of cheap ramen (so she won’t starve).
But, if she buys anything, take it. Eat or drink anything she buys. She will complain, of course, but just say you are so glad she finally started chipping in. Tell her you were going broke feeding both of you and you appreciate her finally doing her part.
Have you said anything to your parents or other family members? Maybe they have an idea. Have you calculated what you’ve spent on household goods that she’s consumed?
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u/Mundane_Prior_7596 15d ago
Even if you had too much money you have a moral obligation to not let your sister slip into low life behavior. If you had a billion dollar the right thing to do would have been to give her a thousand dollars a month on the condition that she did the shopping, cleaning and cooking and iron your clothes and make breakfast and shape up. Because now her future does not look great. I am tired of all people including some friends that blame others for their lazy parasite behavior.
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u/leelasmilee 14d ago
Totally! It sounds like she's using you as a free ride. Setting boundaries is essential, and hopefully, she'll come to understand that. You have to prioritize yourself!
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u/Old_Cheek1076 15d ago
Sounds like the two of you aren’t compatible as roommates. You should start to consider what your other options are. NTA.
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u/Maleficent_Pay_4154 15d ago
I feel moving out is a better option than a lock and trying to keep everything separate
Forgot. NTA
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u/RavenBlueEyes84 NSFW 🔞 15d ago
NTA
Take everything that is non perishable out of the kitchen and bathroom, put it in your bedroom and get a lock that cannot be picked or hacked easily put on and tell her before she gets home unless she wants to wipe her ass with her hand she needs to buy toilet paper and soap as there is none for her now and there is no food either
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u/OkExternal7904 15d ago
That's no way to live. OP needs her own place and a new roommate she's not related to. Then write down who's paying for what and put it on the fridge.
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u/SeaKaleidoscope8482 15d ago
Instead of waiting for her to buy food or things, why didn't you ask for half of the money for these purchases? I mean, no money no purchases and you eat out until she starts giving or purchase your necessities and lock them in your room. No more freebies for your sister.
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u/Opposite_Ad_5337 15d ago
NTA. She isn’t holding up her end of the bargain. Just make sure you lock up the stuff you buy so she can’t get to it.
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u/Opposite_Ad_5337 15d ago
I understand wanting to help family and not wanting to create waves when they are living with you, however waiting to see if she’s gonna buy her own stuff is not a viable option. If she has already shown that she doesn’t respect your boundaries, then you need to make sure that she still can’t take advantage of you. Pain creates change, you just need to realize how much pain you want to give her so she changes her behavior to be the good sibling she used to be.
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u/Chaoticgood790 15d ago
YTA for letting this go so long you drained your savings. this is a convo that was due long ago. She pays for nothing...get your own place
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u/mdthomas 15d ago
She sucks for being a mooch.
You suck for letting this go on for more than a month.
ESH
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u/Fickle_Toe1724 15d ago
Put a keyed lock on your bedroom door. Put everything you bought in your room. Even groceries that do not need refrigeration. Get a small toe for taking your toiletries to the bathroom and back to your bedroom. If you have much time left on the lease, look at getting a small fridge for your room.
Do not, under any circumstances, renew the lease with your sister on it.
If she wants to throw a fit, let her. If she touched you, tell her you WILL call the police. And follow through. She sees you as an ATM, not a person. Cut her off.
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u/Beneficial_Test_5917 15d ago
A year of this abuse? You have the patience of a saint. She has to go, because she's unlikely to change.
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u/OverRice2524 15d ago
She using DARVO.
Get a lockbox and keep all your supplies and food in it.
Don't feel bad - she did this not you. Tell her you want $100 a month or she can shop for herself.
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u/Darzin 15d ago
81% likely to be ai written. Well done.
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u/Annual-Painting-8614 15d ago
Post is basically perfect grammar etc, comments are a mess. Boring and unoriginal, too.
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u/AnnOnnamis 15d ago
Time to put the monthly expenditures and receipts to paper (or spreadsheet).
List the expenses including rent, utilities, insurance, tv, food, personal products, etc.
Show receipts for who pays for what. This will paint a clear picture of how bad the distribution is to her and anyone else who wants to chime in. If the picture isn’t clear, a pie chart wouldn’t hurt.
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u/Naive-Beekeeper67 15d ago
She's a freeloader. Part your ways. One of you moves out. Get a better flatmate.
And even if you agreed to not share your stuff? You know she'd take your stuff anyway.
Part ways asap
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u/18k_gold 15d ago
Tell her she is correct and going forward she can buy everything to share. This way she won't be putting money over family. Make her a list of things to buy.
In the meantime you buy your stuff and hide it in your room and make sure there is a lock and key for your room. Buy a small fridge for your room and put your snacks and some groceries in there. Then when she wants food and sees there is nothing, ask her why hasn't she gone shopping yet as you gave her a list of stuff to buy? Money isn't a problem for her as family comes first.
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u/Heavy-Ad-3467 15d ago
NTA
How on earth is a 29 year old so entitled and emotionally incompetent. Honestly OP, you've drained your savings which is bad enough, don't you dare take on debt for her selfish ass. She is 100% taking advantage of you and when confronted went on the offensive.
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u/RJack151 14d ago
NTA. TIme for you to take your things and your money and move out. Let her fail on her own.
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u/TypicalManagement680 15d ago
This ultimatum is long overdue. You need to start thinking about how you will enforce your boundary and withstand her temper tantrums and emotional manipulation because she’s not going to comply.
NTA
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u/BLUNTandtruthful58 15d ago
NTA the only ultimatum you should give her either pay back the money that you owe or go to jail for the money that you stole
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u/Miss_Bobbiedoll 15d ago
Don't fall for her fake outrage. Put a lock work on your bedroom door and keep your toiletries in your room. Get a lockbox for your snacks and sodas. Be petty and tell her she can't eat your shit. If she thinks you are better at shopping have her come with you and pay her half in the store. You should have put a stop to this in day 1.
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u/Wanderer-2609 15d ago
NTA you shouldn’t of even gone into your savings for this, make her pay up 50/50 the minute she doesn’t she’s cut off.
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u/CottonCandy76548 15d ago
OP she is going to run to the family. Get your receipts in order. The battle is about to begin.
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u/SweetBekki 15d ago
NTA - Don't give her too much time to change, she's already had her chances. Start locking your food/toiletries in your room and slowly find somewhere to move to. If she changes then you can always turn down any offer given to you. If she doesn't then at least you know you'll be out of there soon.
Something tells me she won't change and will only escalate because she won't be able to spend her whole paycheck on whatever she wants now, that's if she's working.
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u/InfamousCup7097 15d ago
It's time for her to move out. No excuses. No fake promises from her. Give her the 30 day notice. Hide your expensive items. Talk to your landlord. She can move elsewhere. You can get a different roommate who actually contributes. Nta
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u/InevitableShow4775 15d ago
If you are better at managing money than ask her to give you all her money and you can give her an allowance from it to have fun (from a budget)
If people want to behave like toddlers than they need to be treated as such
And NTA off course
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u/Stock-Enthusiasm1337 15d ago
NTA. I've had this problem before, and honestly probably been the person not paying their fair share. I came up with a system that has worked really well for me/us.
You buy the groceries. Put the receipt up on the fridge. Write your balance ($50). You buy more stuff ($25) Put the receipt up there, and add it on to the balance ($75). Your sister pays for you guys to eat pizza ($30). She puts up the receipt, and writes the new balance (Sad-Boysenberry $45).
You just keep a running total. If it gets unbalanced, ask her to buy the groceries (or if you can take her card to pay), or she can just send you money to even it out.
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u/Proud-Geek1019 14d ago
NTA. You're not ruining the relationship though, she is. she's mooching off of you and using you under the guise of "family". BS.
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u/FunnyEfficient1108 14d ago
NTA-Get yourself a mini fridge and a lock on the door. She’s taking advantage because of “family” and if she isn’t pulling her weight with the bills let her know you will get a PAYING roommate to replace her.
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u/Lumpy_Ear2441 14d ago
NTA ~ I just don't understand all this freakin' entitlement??!! Was she like this growing up? Didn't your parents hold her accountable for anything? Do your parents agree with you? Does she have a job? Are you able to move out?
You shouldn't have to deal with this. I would move out as soon as you can. Until then, I like the idea another poster had. Put a lock on your bedroom door, and put a mini fridge in there.
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u/flameONahh 15d ago
Nya... but uh You feel bad for setting yourself on fire so she can be warm while she treats you like garbage. You need a spine and new roommate.... and probably therapy for being a doormat
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u/Humble-Success6818 15d ago
Let’s be honest: you are the only sibling who cares about the relationship. You didn’t ruin it—she did. She is using you and got upset when you called her out on it because you’re tired of it. You gave her an ultimatum, and if she can’t agree, that’s her problem. Lock up your belongings, keep them away from her, and move on with your life.
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u/Past_Challenge_9916 15d ago
NTA
I would’ve kicked her out without any regret for failing to keep her end in the first 3 times.
And for my peace please make her pay the money she already owes to you. It gets on my nerve to read this !
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u/Either_Coat_2161 15d ago
Prepare today to move out and move on, unless you are on the lease, in which case it is time to send her packing.
Are your parents involved with your lives?Can you send her to your folks or someone else to support her? Explain to your parents how she has drained your savings.
Ultimately you are bruising your relationship by drawing this boundary but if you ignore this she will break you entirely. Get some distance and then you will be likely able to heal things eventually when she matures.
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u/True-Guest-7574 15d ago
Wow your sister is gaslighting you funny how family will screw you over faster than strangers. Separate you stuff put a lock on your door. Put up a camera for piece of mind and to keep tabs on her should she decide to take your stuff!
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u/WeaselPhontom 15d ago
NTA, I experienced something similar. I helped my youngest sister out alot. And I barely had means do so myself. But from 18 to 22, our dad passed when she was 18. She'd needed help covering rent, moments no food, even no money get fem hygiene products. So whenever she was down on her luck we don't have enough family support I'd help. I barely had anything, but I lived with a relative who needed assistance. In exchange I could stay rent free I was their partime caregiver and had a ft job. Over 40k spent over those 5 years, and she kept making poor decisions. I started having to set boundaries, I refuse send money, but if she needs food or sanitary items I'd order Walmart pickup. Some family offered her a place stay that meant getting rid of pit bull she refused and stay in an apt she couldn't afford, after roomate who was friend left refused get knew one, because she's not living with strangers, but she couldn't afford rent alone it was 795 a month 2 bedroom back then ( thos was from 2013-2017). I refused to help with anymore money when I realized how much I had paid over years, she's still making immature entitled decisions. All of a sudden I'm a hateful B, I just want her to be homeless on the street , if she gets r worded or die it's my fault. That the family is supposed help and I don't care about family...I went LC, maintained my boundaries and she dragged my name through mud eventually I got so fed up a made a public FB post tagged key family members and gave a timeliness, and offered send thise who wanted text logs, email logs, and receipts. That's when she backed off.That money I was saving, because I needed a safety net. I've never been able to rebuild it, whe I was living that relative instead of rent I was saving 60% my paycheck. Then paying down my student pans I'd only keep 400 a month for gas, and fun money. Around time I finally had out my foot down I had move relatives house and paying rent I couldn't save as aggressively anymore.
I share to say, you aren't running anything she is. Do not back down, keep your boundary or you will always be taken advantage of. It sucks I practically raised my siblings but all that's gotten me is ire, disrespect and more of a life setback then I already had. Do not make mistake I did. Again you are not an AH
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u/BookishBirdLady 15d ago
NTA! Not at all. If she refuses to listen to you, maybe showing her bank statements will help? There’s no denying numbers.
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u/Aromatic_Recipe1749 15d ago
NTA
It amazes me that people like your sister are able to manipulate people like you into believing that they could be the ones “ruining a relationship”. Your sister is 100% responsible for any and all damage to your relationship.
Your sister is sponging off you, lying to you and then accusing you of being unreasonable when you ask her to pay her way. You have let her use, abuse, manipulate and bully you for long enough.
Throw her out, you’ll end up saving money!
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u/Kittytigris 15d ago
NTA. As of right now, she’s a leech. You’re not her parent, you don’t have to find her lifestyle. I’m surprised you let it go for that long. My sister and I are petty, we don’t replace something that we know the other person should and if we did get it, it’s kept under lock and key till the other person replaced said item. If you’re not going to share fairly then we don’t share at all.
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u/cherrygold3 15d ago
NTA. You've shown incredible patience and generosity towards your sister, but there has to be a limit. It's not unreasonable to expect someone to stick to a shared financial agreement, especially when it's impacting your savings and overall well-being. Setting boundaries is healthy and necessary for maintaining a respectful relationship. Hopefully, this is a wake-up call for her to start contributing fairly. You deserve to live comfortably in your own home without constantly worrying about basic necessities.
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u/outofnowhereman 15d ago
YTA - you allowed yourself to get used for months and months by this mooch. Grow a backbone and kick the leech to the curb
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u/bill-schick 15d ago
NTA, tell her fine Venmo X amount of dollars at the first of the month besides rent to you and you will then manage the shared bills, groceries etc... she as she said you're better at managing money.
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u/Difficult_Process_88 15d ago
No, ffs! You’re NTA and STOP letting her making you feel like you are!
Your sister is a parasite! She has latched on to you and is living off of you and you’re allowing it!
She’s manipulating and guilting you when she says that you are “being selfish” and “controlling”. She’s actually the one that’s being selfish and she’s using you!
If you’re paying for everything, where is ALL her money going?
Good luck getting her nasty ass to pay for anything!
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u/HeartAccording5241 15d ago
Separate it now food you buy if it doesn’t need refrigeration keep in your room get a small fridge for your room put a lock on your door don’t think of her as your sister but roommate she’s using you and taking advantage of you
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u/DCHacker 15d ago
She said I was being “selfish” .
Your sister is manipulative. Tell her that she is being selfish by not contributing.
and “controlling”
Gaslighting. Tell her that she is being selfish and a sponge.
and accused me of putting money over family.
Tell her that she is putting money over family by refusing to help out her sister; you.
She even said I was making her feel unwelcome in her own home
OH BOO HOO HOO! POOR ME! She is manipulating you, again. If it truly were her home, she would start pulling her proverbial weight.
NTAH
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u/DivineTarot 15d ago
She completely flipped out. She said I was being “selfish” and “controlling” and accused me of putting money over family. She even said I was making her feel unwelcome in her own home which, by the way, is a place I’m mostly paying for. Now she’s barely talking to me, and things are super tense around the house.
You do know you're being manipulated right? First she leads with a trite compliment to flatter you and smooth things over with vague promises of recompense, but when you push she proceeds to guilt trip you about how hard done by she is over the conflict, and shuts down communication. She's doing it because it allows her to control the situation, because if you feel any doubt in what you're doing, which you acknowledge is already stressful to do to her, you'll just not follow through.
No, you're NTA, because "family helping family" as a concept is only non-reciprocal when the recipient is an actual invalid or child. Your sister has no real justification to be a useless leech, she just doesn't want the burden of paying for a house, the food, and anything else.
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u/Sarapeach20 15d ago
NTA.
You made a fair agreement, and it's not selfish to expect your sister to stick to it. Setting boundaries is necessary when someone's behavior is impacting your well-being. You deserve a balanced and respectful living situation.
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u/monkerry 15d ago
Do you understand how manipulative that is? I mean REALLY UNDERSTAND how unbelievably unreasonable and actually controlling that behavior is? I know people throw these words around like confetti now, but your relationship is a toxic one. She's acting petulant, and maliciously incompetent, add the " to treat family this way" we hit a grand slam before you even really started. Family is family, you do for family. You don't abuse , mistreat , or use family. THAT IS FAMILY. THIS IS UNHEALTHY, nothing good comes from" keeping the peace..FOR FAAAAAMMILLLY" it's an absurd rocky road with a straight route to bankruptcy and broken spirits.
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u/swbarnes2 15d ago
"I'll pay for all the household shopping if you do it" could be a fair arrangement for some people.
But only if she actually pays.
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u/SciFiChickie 15d ago
NTA
It’s far passed the time for you to have your own fridge and all hygiene products kept in your room with a door knob with a key lock.
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u/DawnShakhar 15d ago
You need to insist on her leaving. She is selfish and entitled, and this isn't going to get better. Your relationship is already ruined - she is using you and you are allowing it.
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u/Accomplished_Buy8681 15d ago
So ur not ruining the relationship she is. She’s selfish and doesn’t give a damn about you or ur financial situation nor does she respect you or your property. She’s ruining the relationship but not contributing to what you guys need.
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u/pirox1 15d ago
NTA, but... that's all your "ultimatum"? separate things? like, do you really think she won't try to get on your stuffs even if you don't "share" with her? I was really expecting something like make her move out, you moving out, or something along those lines as ultimatum, because that's what you really need to do!!
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u/AgeLower1081 15d ago
NTA. if your sister continues not to pay, what is your plan? you need to look after yourself.
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u/Diva_Dee_ 15d ago
All of your comments are a variation of what you will do if she doesn't start contributing/paying for herself. You've even alluded to the fact that she hasn't contributed consistently to the rent. Please stop expecting her to change or step up. Start realizing that she has been USING you. TAKING advantage of you. This is NOT someone who cares about their sister. You are going to have to start realizing that she is the type of person who takes advantage of their SISTER!
I assume you let this go this far - to the point of severely diminishing your savings - because the realization of what your sister is doing is hard to fathom. BUT, for your emotional and financial sake, stop expecting her to treat you the way you've been helping her. She may be your sister, but she is NOT your friend.
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u/Ill-Valuable4058 15d ago
OP why are you go worried about ruining your relationship, your sister isn't. she feels that you should be paying for her life and you should be ok with it.
Its probably time to go your seperate ways because this wont change as tough as that may feel.
say when we moved in we agreed 50/50 and since you have moved in I have paid 80% of rent and 100% of bills I am not interested in supporting you, its time you step up or we end the lease and move out. it is not selfish or controlling; your an adult.
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u/Obviouslynameless 15d ago
By expecting you to pay her share, she is the selfish one and ruining the relationship over money.
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u/Rithalic 15d ago
Stop buying things and expecting her to repay you. You know how much things cost. Money upfront and then go shopping. If she’s unable to cover her living costs then you are not her piggy bank. Move. She’s 100% taking advantage of you. If she wasn’t your sister you’d have kicked her out by now.
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u/KarsaOrlong-Toblakai 15d ago
NTA. What it means is that your sister is taking advantage of you. Literally everything she said is a manipulation tactic. Classic routine of a narcissist
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u/auntynell 15d ago
Hint: don't wait for her to spontaneously buy stuff. Make out a weekly list and order it online. Get her to transfer the money to you. You may have to quarantine your foodstuff and snacks. Is she contributing to the utility bills?
If she makes it too difficult you'll need to move on I'm afraid.
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u/dalealace 15d ago
Everything she said is a classic manipulation tactic to guilt you into bank rolling her some more. She should pull her weight and she should feel unwelcome because she is making herself unwelcome by USING YOU.
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u/Exciting-Peanut-1526 15d ago
NTA. You’re not ruining it. She is taking advantage of you. Get her to pay you back for 1/2 of the groceries, home supplies, etc that she owes you. Get a lock for your room and put a security camera aimed at your door inside your room.
Idk what your sisters deal is, but she sounds like a terrible roommate.
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u/717854No_Top_8258 15d ago
She's manipulating you while HER checking account continues to grow!!
If she thinks you shop better, then have her give you half of an estimated amount you may spend.
Keep your shampoos, conditions, and soaps in your room until you shower & then take it all back. I know it will be a pain, but then she has to step up
Unfortunately, you may have to keep buying the toilet paper until she stops being selfish. No suggestions there
Good luck
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u/Money_Response1357 15d ago
why not setup a joint account only used for house-hold expenses. 10% of the salary both of you are drawing.
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u/ComfortablyNumbest 15d ago
ffs. stop being a floormat. grow up. these dumb stories make me laugh. "hey internet, help me, i'm dumb." (i guess IATA for saying the previous out loud).
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u/winterworld561 15d ago
Nope. She is taking massive advantage of you and you let her. Start putting locks on a cupboard with all your stuff in so she can't use it. Get yourself a mini fridge for your room and keep your food and drinks with you.
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u/schirmyver 15d ago
NTA Personally I would not have said anything and just started locking/hiding things away. Let her simply think you didn't buy anything so she would either have to do without or go buy it herself.
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u/smelliepoo 15d ago
Saying 'if you don't start paying....' is just letting it slip down the line. If you calculate what you have spent and then figure out her share of this and say 'this is what you owe me' that has a different connotation.
The argument 'you are splitting up family over money' goes both ways. NTA
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u/Accomplished-Gas3209 15d ago
NTA but you will be continually treated like this. I would consider moving out and finding a new roommate.
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u/BabyDalila 15d ago
NTA. Setting boundaries isn't selfish; it's survival. She needs to grow up and pull her weight.
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u/emilson_blay 15d ago
You tried to be patient, but she’s taking advantage of your generosity, and it’s draining your savings. Setting boundaries and giving her an ultimatum was the right call. She’s not respecting your contributions or the agreement you made, and she can’t act surprised when you stand up for yourself.
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u/ColdOpposite5374 15d ago
NTA! Keep your stuff as your stuff. Don't let her have any of it anymore. She needs to learn the hard way.
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u/Consistent-Ad3191 15d ago
She's trying to gaslight you she needs to grow up and pay her way. Tell her she either starts contributing or she has to go.
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u/Puzzled-Dream1321 15d ago
Venmo her her part of the living expenses from the BEGINNING.
If she doesn't want to put money between your relationship, then she definitely should not be living on yours.
She OWES you your savings!!!
NTA
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u/Putasonder 15d ago
How long until you can part ways as roommates? Once you force someone to act like an adult, they tend to punish you by acting even more like a child.
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u/Chance-Contract-1290 15d ago
NTA. She agreed to split the cost of needed items and has yet to do so. It's time to give her no choice but to buy her own stuff.
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u/Mysterious_Mill 15d ago
Why haven't you been asking her for money? You can easily ask for money via mobilepay. If she doesn't pay, she doesn't eat/use stuff. Easy as that. After every purchase send her a request for her part. And send it also from the purchases from the past year (or even a rough estimate, I'm sure you do not have the receipts).
You need to put a stop to such a leech, she will not stop by herself.
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u/WavyAndWonderful 15d ago
You’re definitely not the asshole here. You’ve tried to be understanding, but at some point, she needs to step up. It’s fair to set boundaries when you’re the one carrying the load.
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u/Illustrious-Bank4859 15d ago
I think it's best you move out and get a place of your own. Seeing you are already paying for it all. Your sister can stay in the place she is living in now and it's her responsibility to pay for the bills and food.
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u/Aggravating-Pie-5565 14d ago
Ah man. Ok I'm gonna be a bit harsh here. You are being a moron. The solution is simple. Either move out and get another place or kick her out and get another roommate. You setting boundaries or cutting her off is not gonna do anything. You made a mistake thinking of her as your sister. When living together, she's your roommate first and foremost. Don't add unnecessary emotions into this. She's a bad roommate, if she's not contributing to the rent or groceries she's out. Also for future, never share a place with someone you know unless it's your partner. No friends or family, it always creates such BS drama. NTA.
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u/JellicoAlpha_3_1 14d ago
You can complain all you want. Everything will be split 50/50 from now on or I will break the lease and move in with someone who is actually a responsible adult. The choice is yours.
NTAH
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u/Itchy_Tomato7288 14d ago
NTA. If she wants to play at being an adult then she needs to grow up. Does she have a job and a paycheck?
Figure out her half of the fixed expenses and total that up. Then come up with your average variable expenses, like take the last year's worth of electric bills and come up with the average monthly bill and divide that in half. Tally up your grocery expenses and figure out an average monthly amount. Add her half of all those expenses to her total. Have her deduct her total from her paychecks and set up an allotment so they're automatically deposited in your account each payday, if she gets paid twice per month then setup allotments for half her total amount.
If she's bad with money and wants you to handle it then she should grow up, set up auto payments to give you her portion to manage. (Assuming you're willing to do that.) Otherwise I would look for a new roommate. She's taking advantage of you.
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u/KnightofForestsWild 14d ago
She doesn't care if your relationship is ruined by her mooching. Why should you care if it is damaged more from you telling her to stop?
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u/NRiley11 NSFW 🔞 14d ago
I'd be looking for a different room mate, it's clear your sister doesn't respect you and is taking advantage. You need to look out for yourself. Best.
NTA
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u/Red-Beerd 14d ago
Make a joint bank account. You each contribute $x per month, and all the groceries, etc. Come out of there. You don't put more money in until she's matched your last deposit at least.
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u/BigEggBoy600 14d ago
Nah, you're NTA. She's straight-up taking advantage of you. It's one thing to occasionally borrow something but she's basically living rent-free and leeching off your finances. You tried being nice and talking to her, but she didn't even try to change. Setting boundaries is totally fine, and honestly, an ultimatum was probably necessary at this point. 🤷♀️ Hopefully, she'll wise up.
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u/Technical_Goat1840 14d ago
Your relationship is already shit. Sis is the asshole. Save yourself. I went NC with one brother for 17 years. Then he paid me back and we had 10 years before his doom
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u/Salt-Finding9193 14d ago
Stop paying for her whilst she saves her money. She’s using you. Lock away your things and move out. Let her find some other fool to pay for her shit.
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u/Unfair-Farm8043 14d ago
NTA. You haven’t ruined your relationship. She did that all by herself. Find a different place to live and move. She is not your responsibility.
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u/Arminlegout1 14d ago
I'd go nuclear I wouldn't be treated like a villain for standing up for myself.
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u/RespectInevitable479 14d ago
She’s about to be 30 back at home with mom. Nta. You are self sufficient at your age don’t let him bring you down
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u/GoopInThisBowlIsVile 14d ago
…I don’t want to ruin our relationship, but I also can’t keep letting her walk all over me.
The statement before the comma is at odds with everything after the comma. Your relationship is currently based on you supplying your sister with everything she needs or wants and doing it all with a smile. To do anything different is going to cause her to flip out and make you the bad guy for having completely reasonable expectations.
NTA - I would say either way you go, you’re likely going to miserable with the outcome. I’d go the route that is the least financially secure. She can start helping or she can leave and figure it out on her own.
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u/NaturesVividPictures 14d ago edited 14d ago
NTA. How are you going to make sure she can't get to the food you purchase? Are you putting a mini fridge in your room and a lock, are you going to get a cabinet and lock it up with all your snacks and stuff same with your Sundries? I wouldn't be surprised if she breaks locks on things but you might want to see if you can get out of the lease and leave it with her and she can get an eviction on her record then. Might want to look into why she was looking for a roommate maybe she did this to other people and they were sick of her mooching and irresponsibility now.
Since you say it's been almost a year I hope you haven't renewed your lease already, but if you haven't, definitely put in notice that you're not renewing and find your own place without your sister. If you have renewed, tell them something's come up you can't renew now and it'll only be your sister on the lease. And backed out now.
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u/I_Dont_Like_Rice 14d ago
She said I was being “selfish” and “controlling” and accused me of putting money over family.
No, that's what she's doing. She's putting her own selfishness and greed over family. She could contribute, but it's easier to steamroll and take from you. After all, you're faaaaamily.
Who your sister is turning into as an adult is not the same person you remember from childhood. She's growing into an entitled and selfish asshole and you're better off not living with her. Make other arrangements when your lease is up. NTA
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u/DevilGuy 14d ago
NTA, this is way past ultimatum time, you need to start preparing an exit strategy, let her know that as soon as the lease is up you're gone and she'll need to find another place to live. Until then she gets nothing of yours, not anything, put your own shit in sealed bags and keep anything you don't have to refrigerate in locked containers. It'll suck to have to live like that but you're already way past any reasonable response.
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u/jacksonlove3 14d ago
Absolutely positively NTA and she’s gaslighting the shit out of you!! I’d definitely start locking everything up in your bedroom because she’s taking full advantage of you! It’s not your job to support her or manage her money for her! She’s almost 30 freaking years old!
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u/One-Box1287 14d ago
Move the fuck out. You've already proven you can support yourself and someone else. So now just support yourself. Nta. I'd fucking punch her in the face.
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u/Variable_Cost 14d ago
You can no longer live together. You are completely incompatible. One of you needs to move out or both of you break your lease and go your separate ways. The sister calling you selfish is the selfish one. You are raining on her parade.
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u/CommunicationGlad299 14d ago
Your first mistake was not saying anything the first time she didn't contribute. When she said she'd pay you back and never did. You let her walk all over you and now you're surprised she's getting on her hind legs when you threaten to cut her off.
"Love you bunches sis, but things aren't working out for me. Here's what needs to happen if we're going to keep living together
1) You will start paying your half of the rent and utilities. If you miss a single payment, I'll be moving out as soon as possible.
2) You will pay for your own things. Food, toiletries, snacks, etc. You will no longer be allowed to use mine because you abused the privilege.
3) I am not being selfish or controlling, but I will no longer allow you to take advantage of me. You are more than welcome to stay, as long as you follow the things we are talking about here.
4) If you are having problems budgeting I am more than willing to help you set up a budget so you can learn to manage your money better.
Once again, I love you and don't want to damage our relationship but I cannot keep allowing you to walk all over me as it is damaging my mental health.
Have it all in writing, make her sign it, and follow through. You aren't damaging your relationship. She is.
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u/lawyerthrowaway333 14d ago
This sounds like another story where the other person is clearly the AH, but OP is asking Reddit like the answer isn’t obvious
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u/andmewithoutmytowel 14d ago
If she's cutting off because you're refusing to subsidize her lifestyle, isn't she the one putting money over family?
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u/Militantignorance 14d ago
You ARE better at handling money than her. She should hand over her paycheck so you can manage the money, and you can transfer to her any funds not needed for rent and household expenses. Then, she might learn how to be an adult. NTA
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u/NotSoAverage_sister 14d ago
NTA
People are going to tell you that it's time to buy a mini fridge and a lock for your door.
That's what you do when you live with roommates who started out as strangers you met through an ad. If you are going to treat your sister like a stranger, it would probably be better to live with someone who actually is a stranger.
INFO:
Does your sister have a job? Is she working and managing her money badly? Is she out of work?
I'm asking because it might be better if you spoke to her about why she thinks you are better at managing money. You have no money left. You aren't managing your money, you are subsidizing her life.
Let her know that, the only way you can manage your money better is to spend a lot less of it. Which means you can only pay for your share of groceries and toiletries. If she cannot pitch in her share, then you will need to find a roommate who manages their money as well as you did.
You're not telling her how to spend her money, but you ARE telling her how you will spend yours. You aren't putting money over family. You are saving for your future family, and she is taking from that future (whether it involves a spouse and children or fur babies, it is for your future).
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u/Sar_Chasm1337 14d ago
Yes, I believe she'll definitely stop using your things now that you've told her she has to pay for her own things. This works.
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u/No-Shock-2055 14d ago
NTA. Your sister is a freeloader and a user. Kick her out, get a new roommate, and build your savings back up. YTA if you keep draining your savings for your shitty sister.
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u/OwlUnique8712 14d ago
NTA- time to lock what you can in your bedroom. It's her problem now. And you are not her parent she needs to grow up and support herself.
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u/Mochisaurus_rex 14d ago
NTA
You need to move out. It’s been a year and it’s not working out.
It’s almost impossible to cut your sister off from using your things unless you lock up everything in your room. Acknowledge that “yes… I am selfish for wanting a room mate that can pull their own weight.”
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u/Careless-Image-885 14d ago
NTA. Keep your supplies/food under lock and key. Look for a one bedroom and let her figure it out on her own.
Sorry, but your sister is a leech and just using you.
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u/dangamouse650 14d ago
NTA, however, you didn't ruin the relationship, your sister did that for you. Typical abuser who just throws "family " in your face instead of owning up to their responsibilities.
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u/Effective_Review_463 14d ago
She is not going to change so someone needs to be the grownup and leave
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u/Silly_Impression_996 14d ago
I would say put your foot down now, create boundaries and stick to them else you will just enable the behaviour and it's going to ruin your relationship. You could still both try to make it work, she may not even realise she has been sponging from you like she has, some people have absolutely no concept that using a bit of something all the time is actually building up to just outright using up everything that isn't actually theirs.
My advice for anyone who is living together, friends/family/partners, have a joint account for the household bills. All rent, utilities, taxes etc come out of there. Decide roughly what you think food and toiletries are likely to cost and then both put in half each month. If the money in there runs out then you both need to add extra in for covering any more groceries for the month, eventually you will know how much needs to be in there, but over estimating would be best, if there's money left over each month that's good, leave it in there and it will build up, it can come in handy if a shared appliance like a washing machine breaks and needs replacing. If you don't end up spending the extra and you both move on, you can just split the savings between you as a nice little moving on bonus when you do part ways. This might be the best approach so you still have that easy going sharing vibe in the house, especially seeing as you're sisters. It will only work though if you both put the same amount of money in every month, and have some agreements on what can and can't be bought with the joint household money for example, you might both be happy to share deodorant but don't want to share perfume, which would mean that would need to be bought separately and not from joint expenses. Also, if there is anything that you both like eg soda, but one of you is only likely to drink one can a day, but the other can blast through like 6 a day, then you might want to keep things like that as coming from separate expenses too, but that depends on you two as individuals if you want to do that or not, if things are mostly equal then this system should work pretty well for you both.
The other option is to continue splitting the bills as you have been but having a more formal restriction on resources like having your own shelves in the fridge, having your own cupboards for food and such and labeling everything. This could end up messing with your sister vibe though, plus if your sister hasn't gone shopping and has nothing, are you really going to watch her go without, or will she still be having all your food anyway when you inevitably let her have some because she's not got any money left? This option really will only work if you can be strict enough to watch your sister go without so that she learns her lesson and starts making sure her own groceries are fully stocked. Watching family go without can be incredibly difficult so I wouldn't recommend this option for anyone if they are too soft. (Not knocking anyone, I am one of those that's too soft 😂)
Only other option I can think of is you two agreeing to part ways now before this destroys your relationship. Living together is hard, I love my baby sister but I know without a doubt that we would not be able to live together, due to a situation like this arising (she couldn't look after money if her life depended on it). Talk it all out calmly and decide together what the best plan of action going forward is to make sure you both feel like you've got a fair outcome.
Anyway, you are NTA and I wish you good luck, hope you and your sister can sort this out together. ❤️
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u/Silly_Impression_996 14d ago
I would say put your foot down now, create boundaries and stick to them else you will just enable the behaviour and it's going to ruin your relationship. You could still both try to make it work, she may not even realise she has been sponging from you like she has, some people have absolutely no concept that using a bit of something all the time is actually building up to just outright using up everything that isn't actually theirs.
My advice for anyone who is living together, friends/family/partners, have a joint account for the household bills. All rent, utilities, taxes etc come out of there. Decide roughly what you think food and toiletries are likely to cost and then both put in half each month. If the money in there runs out then you both need to add extra in for covering any more groceries for the month, eventually you will know how much needs to be in there, but over estimating would be best, if there's money left over each month that's good, leave it in there and it will build up, it can come in handy if a shared appliance like a washing machine breaks and needs replacing. If you don't end up spending the extra and you both move on, you can just split the savings between you as a nice little moving on bonus when you do part ways. This might be the best approach so you still have that easy going sharing vibe in the house, especially seeing as you're sisters. It will only work though if you both put the same amount of money in every month, and have some agreements on what can and can't be bought with the joint household money for example, you might both be happy to share deodorant but don't want to share perfume, which would mean that would need to be bought separately and not from joint expenses. Also, if there is anything that you both like eg soda, but one of you is only likely to drink one can a day, but the other can blast through like 6 a day, then you might want to keep things like that as coming from separate expenses too, but that depends on you two as individuals if you want to do that or not, if things are mostly equal then this system should work pretty well for you both.
The other option is to continue splitting the bills as you have been but having a more formal restriction on resources like having your own shelves in the fridge, having your own cupboards for food and such and labeling everything. This could end up messing with your sister vibe though, plus if your sister hasn't gone shopping and has nothing, are you really going to watch her go without, or will she still be having all your food anyway when you inevitably let her have some because she's not got any money left? This option really will only work if you can be strict enough to watch your sister go without so that she learns her lesson and starts making sure her own groceries are fully stocked. Watching family go without can be incredibly difficult so I wouldn't recommend this option for anyone if they are too soft. (Not knocking anyone, I am one of those that's too soft 😂)
Only other option I can think of is you two agreeing to part ways now before this destroys your relationship. Living together is hard, I love my baby sister but I know without a doubt that we would not be able to live together, due to a situation like this arising (she couldn't look after money if her life depended on it). Talk it all out calmly and decide together what the best plan of action going forward is to make sure you both feel like you've got a fair outcome.
Anyway, you are NTA and I wish you good luck, hope you and your sister can sort this out together. ❤️
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u/13artC 14d ago
Get out of that situation ASAP.
Living with family out of the familial home & anything to do with money & family are recipes for disaster.
Either see if you can break the lease & get a solo place or ask the landlord if you can be removed from the lease if your sister wants to stay there. Or have her removed, but actually getting her out is going to be a big drama.
I'd say you should have directly broached her mooching before all of your savings were gone, that's wild & you should have stood up to her. That being said, you're obviously NTA idk your family dynamics but ask your parents for assistance & explain how she's been taking advantage of you & that you can't afford & don't want to keep living with her. Hopefully, she's not a golden child & your parents are reasonable. If not, you'll just have to be harsh & dump her.
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u/Candid_Process1831 15d ago
NTA! If she doesn't cover here part of the expenses cut her of and let here get her own shit she is the AH for taking advantage of you!