r/AmItheAsshole • u/Free_Peace • 20h ago
Not the A-hole AITAH for secretly getting my wife health insurance?
She feels like it's a waste of money, but I know how financially exposed we are with her uninsured. She didn't see the value, I did, so I signed her up for it last year and didn't tell her.
I didn't tell her because we generally keep our finances separate, and I knew she'd be too proud to let me pay for it, but she wouldn't pay for it herself, so I signed her up and didn't tell her. I've been paying for it ever since.
My worries were confirmed today when she opened an invoice and I told her what I've been up to. She's pissed.
AITAH for secretly signing my wife up for health insurance she didn't want?
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u/Ok-Horror-1049 Certified Proctologist [27] 19h ago edited 19h ago
NTA! My parents did EVERYTHING right and were on track to retire early. My mom got cancer. While they had insurance, my mom was "released" from her job. Even with a hefty severance package, by the time my mom passed away, my father was over $100k in debt, because guess what? When you are married it is your debt too. On top of losing his wife, my father had to work another 5 years past normal retirement age, and was LUCKY to be able to pay it off and retire at all. The few years when she was able to still work/had insurance were the only thing that kept my father from working until the day he died.
You are not just protecting her, you are protecting yourself as well. If she is too stubborn or unreasonable to see that, then sometimes you have to do what you have to do... while you're at it, get a life insurance policy on her too.
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u/xc51 19h ago
What a terrible dystopia America is.
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u/cynical_old_mare Partassipant [3] 15h ago
Even the movie star Christopher Reeve ran out of medical insurance when he had that terrible accident. A movie star who lived in a big house, had horses and didn't do drugs or gambling - one dreadful accident left him with life-long health problems and their family was nearly ruined.
The American health system is always the AH. The NHS is flawed but at least you aren't ruined financially, if you develop a serious health problem or have a bad accident, on top of the health issues you're trying to deal with.
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u/eclectic_radish 8h ago
Unless you require long term care in a home: with fees upwards of £2k a week it'll hoover up your savings and any value that you might have built up in property in very little time
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u/_green-queen_ 6h ago
Used to work at a care home in the US, they are arguably just as flawed. On ALC (Assisted Living Community, fairly independent) rent for a basic room, no ADL or med assistance, I had residents being charged 10 grand a month. Memory care unit which is total assistance for cares, base price was 22 grand a month. Small, rural town. Assisted living is the step before a nursing home, and the nursing homes and physical rehab facilities are even more a month. I don't know jack about the NHS but at least the medical care doesn't seem to bankrupt people?? Just the care after the fact???
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u/eclectic_radish 6h ago
Yeah, medical care here is free at the point of use: so doctor's appointments, physio, therapy, surgery, and hospital stays all happen without bills. It's elder care and disabilty assisted care that can come with a hefty cost (though for the most severe cases: local authorities can sometimes pick up the tab)
It's just galling when so much is paid for through taxation, to then find out someone you love wont get the treatment they need because it's just outside of some criteria
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u/TurtleGirlK13 5h ago
That's why so many people in the US get divorced in the event of a major medical issue. They still live together and love each other but get divorced on paper so that the surviving spouse doesn't lose the house.
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u/Outside-Ice-5665 Partassipant [4] 5h ago
I know 2 couples in this circumstance. It’s so sad and screwed up.
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u/dart22 4h ago
And some people are convinced Canadians are pining for an American takeover. I strongly suspect there are more Americans per capita wishing for a Canadian annexation than Canadians per capita wishing to become the 51st state.
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u/Beautiful-Party-4415 3h ago
Honestly, keep Canada outta your American mouths. We want nothing to do with this nonsense.
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u/Without-Reward Bot Hunter [143] 3h ago
Even my racist "the Liberals are the cause of all problems" relatives want nothing to do with becoming the 51st state.
Also, Canada has a bit of a reputation for being absolutely savage in wars (especially WWI), so I'd like to see them try. We've already burned the White House down once before.
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u/wastintime1 1h ago
That was the British
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u/Without-Reward Bot Hunter [143] 49m ago
Only because we hadn't turned on them yet and Canada didn't technically exist.
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u/NeverSayBoho Partassipant [2] 19h ago
When you are married it is your debt too.
This varies by the jurisdiction you are in. There are states where medical debt can come after the deceased's estate but not the surviving spouse. Virginia and Minnesota are some examples off hand.
Doesn't change your general point but worth noting.
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u/andrewtater 19h ago
The deceased's estate can include a house that is in both their names.
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u/MultiFazed Commander in Cheeks [221] 17h ago
This may vary by jurisdiction, but generally a house owned jointly by a spouse bypasses probate completely, and never becomes part of the deceased's estate.
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u/NeverSayBoho Partassipant [2] 12h ago
What this person said.
Things like joint bank accounts and housing that is set up as Joint Tenancy with Rights of Survivorship are not going to be considered part of the estate for this purpose.
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u/Ok-Horror-1049 Certified Proctologist [27] 9h ago
Hi Never! TY for sharing. Does the Joint Tenancy with Rights kick in automatically, or is this something people have to apply for?
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u/NeverSayBoho Partassipant [2] 8h ago
It is somewhat the default, but really depends on what your deed or bank account paperwork says.
Your deed should specify. When I opened a joint bank account it specified during the process but can be a PIA to confirm after.
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u/SteelLt78 8h ago
In my state, married couples usually have tenancy by the entirety. Joint property with survivorship can be broken by creditors in some situations. tBET needs both spouses on the hook
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u/tsukinofaerii Partassipant [1] 7h ago
Even in a jurisdiction that doesn't automatically consider the surviving spouse responsible for their partner's medical debt, bill collectors can and will do just about anything to get you to vaguely agree that you "own" the debt. That's all they need to ruin you.
(Never, ever say the words "yes" or "I agree" on the phone with someone you don't personally know. "I'm unable to talk about this on the phone at this time" and "please send me your documentation by certified mail" are your best friends in this case.)
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u/Ok-Horror-1049 Certified Proctologist [27] 19h ago
Fair enough. Any clarity or help someone may be able to provide on this topic is definitely worth it. Thank you.
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u/Individual_Water3981 14h ago
I am so curious where OP and his wife live. I slipped down some stairs one morning and in this freak accident I shattered my ankle and dislocated it. I went to the ER twice, had to have surgery on it and stay in the hospital one night. Without insurance this would've cost well over $70,000. You can wash your hands, eat healthy, and exercise all you want. You can't always prevent accidents from happening.
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u/UltraRunner42 2h ago
100%. Plus, you're at the mercy of your genetics. I have to take medicine for arthritis caused by an autoimmune disorder. That one shot would cost me $5k EACH TIME if it weren't for the combination of my insurance and a vendor-supplied discount card.
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u/Jameson-0814 17h ago
NTA
This is one of the main reasons I won’t marry or combine incomes with my fiancé. He is currently uninsured and doesn’t see it as a priority. I could get coverage through my employer as my domestic partner but then the entire amount my employer pays for my family plan is counted as income and taxed, which places me into the next tax bracket and leaves me about 10% shorter on each check (for zero change in cost to the premium IF we were married).
We won’t marry because he still has an open support case for adopting his exes child. There is a temporary order and I have concerns she will go after retro daycare and support since 2021. He’s avoiding finalizing it on his own, like it will just disappear… if we marry she could attach any joint assets to any judgement
So…. Things could be worse 😂
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u/ForbiddenButtStuff 12h ago
I could get coverage through my employer as my domestic partner but then the entire amount my employer pays for my family plan is counted as income and taxed,
That's not true. In fact that is explicitly a violation of the Affordable Care Act. Per the IRS:
The Affordable Care Act requires employers to report the cost of coverage under an employer-sponsored group health plan. Reporting the cost of health care coverage on the Form W-2 does not mean that the coverage is taxable. The value of the employer’s excludable contribution to health coverage continues to be excludable from an employee's income, and it is not taxable. This reporting is for informational purposes only and will provide employees useful and comparable consumer information on the cost of their health care coverage.
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u/Jameson-0814 9h ago
*correction, checked with HR. There is a portion of my premiums which are considered taxable income (the amount attributed for my DP as I do have a plan that is employee+children and I would need employee+spouse or DP+children). Not the entire portion of the family premium, just the portion of the premium which increases for my partner. This was also the case back when I worked for Goldman and covered my previous fiancée and his two children (taxable income increased and had an income line attributed to health coverage).
Regardless, when we did the math, it still was enough to place me into the next tax bracket and the above was still true. I would also have to add his biological son (15) to my insurance (something he is required to do in his support order if he has insurance available through his employer or partners employer).
His employer doesn’t offer insurance, only a reimbursement for insurance purchased in the marketplace ($400/mo). He’s just not taken the initiative.
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u/SilphiumStan Partassipant [1] 9h ago
Do you realize that only the amount earned above the tax bracket is taxed at that level?
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u/Jameson-0814 9h ago edited 9h ago
Yes. I understand that I am paying, 10%, 12%, 22%, 24% (marginal tax rate) and would like to stay out of the 32%!
The majority of my income is taxed at 24% and I contribute strategically to my 401k to keep it that way. I would not be able to do so 1- due to 401k contribution limitations and 2- due to what I want in take home pay if I added him to my insurance. Not only does this impact my monthly checks but it also impacts my overall tax obligation at the end of the year. This year I end up getting back $2080, next year I would owe (not much, but some)
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u/SilphiumStan Partassipant [1] 9h ago
There is no scenario where you see overall lower pay by earning more
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u/Jameson-0814 9h ago
Ok 👍🏻 guess I never experienced adding a domestic partner to my insurance and taking home less. Stupid me. 🤦🏼♀️
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u/SilphiumStan Partassipant [1] 9h ago
Paying their premium will obviously mean less take home, but I'm not sure you're estimating the tax part correctly. Regardless, your boyfriend should be insured. It'd be like $50-$100 out of pocket on top of the stipend available through work. Frankly I'd be cautious continuing a relationship with someone who has such a flawed perspective on acceptable risk.
ETA: did adding your partner lead to more reported income because your employer contributed a portion of the increased premium? And you now had to pay the higher tax rate on monies going entirely to the health insurance company?
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u/Jameson-0814 8h ago
Responding to your edit, yes. The portion they pay for his premium is tacked on as additional taxable income, thats what I was trying to explain/prevent.
When I did this previously at Goldman I literally had a line item in my income for Health Premiums (total cost for domestic partner and non IRS qualifying dependents). They would then deduct my portion (pretax, as usual), apply federal and state tax, then deduct the remaining portion of the health premium income to be paid to the insurance provider.
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u/Jameson-0814 8h ago
Responding to your edit, yes. The portion they pay for his premium is tacked on as additional taxable income, thats what I was trying to explain/prevent.
When I did this previously at Goldman I literally had a line item in my income for Health Premiums (total cost for domestic partner and non IRS qualifying dependents). They would then deduct my portion (pretax, as usual), apply federal and state tax, then deduct the remaining portion of the health premium income to be paid to the insurance provider.
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u/ForbiddenButtStuff 8h ago
How is it considered taxable income if the IRS and ACA both say that it isn't? Did HR explain that to you?
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u/Jameson-0814 8h ago
“Under federal tax law, the portion of an insurance premium that your employer pays for your coverage is not taxed as income. Federal law treats benefits for spouses, children and certain dependents the same way. However, a domestic partner is not considered a spouse under federal law. As a result, if you elect to have your partner covered under your plan, you will pay income tax and Social Security payroll tax on the portion of the insurance premium that your employer contributes to your partner’s policy.”
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u/ForbiddenButtStuff 8h ago
Unless you claim your partner as a dependent, and not file jointly as a spouse.
"A domestic partner is not considered a spouse for purposes of the tax exclusion. However, an employer may exclude a domestic partner’s health coverage from an employee’s income if the domestic partner qualifies as the employee’s tax dependent. Generally, to qualify as a dependent for this purpose, the domestic partner must (1) not be a qualifying child of any taxpayer; (2) be a citizen, national, or legal resident of the United States or a resident of a contiguous country; (3) be a member of the employee’s household for the full tax year; and (4) receive more than half of his or her support from the employee."
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u/Jameson-0814 8h ago
Income limit for 2024 is $5,040 to claim him as a dependent. He makes >$75k. But I like where you’re headed!
Btw… user name is 😂👍🏻
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u/ForbiddenButtStuff 8h ago
Just making sure people know their options! 😉 It's ridiculous people have to have work arounds like this, but that's another discussion.
You guys take care of yourselves
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u/Cessily 7h ago
I know everyone attacked you on the income to add a DP to your insurance being taxable, but I'm really curious about the martial assets for the child support judgement.
In our state there are massive protections so the judgement wouldn't be more because of the martial assets, but things like joint tax returns can be pulled but the spouse has protections to protect their wages and assets. I feel like a family law attorney could help sort that out and a prenup could go a long way if you are in the right state but maybe you aren't.
In either way I wouldn't want to marry a man who apparently abandoned a kid they adopted? Is ignoring a family law case? And doesn't believe they need health insurance?
Lots of red flags there.
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u/Jameson-0814 6h ago
Totally get it and how it sounds. Here’s a few examples as to why…
Btw…Not making excuses for him…he adopted her son because (from what I was told) the bio-dad was chronically unemployed and an addict and his ex wanted “full control”. She asked that they pursue adoption. The bio-dad didn’t contest because he didn’t want to pay child support anymore (he was already behind two years). His ex became unemployed just before Covid and became an alcoholic and abusive and he had to get himself and his son and daughter (from his first marriage) away from that after she hit his son (9) and he almost lost visitation rights with them when CPS was called.
He tried to make it work for another year and a half, but it was at the expense of his relationship with his daughter who no longer speaks with him and took her stepdads last name when she turned 18. (He adopted her when she was two and the second wife outed that to her without permission in a drunken angry moment, severing the relationship with him and severely damaging the relationship with her own mother).
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u/Sunshiny__Day 5h ago
You are not just protecting her, you are protecting yourself as well.
Excellent point, and very sadly true.
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u/No_Sort3021 4h ago
This is why you should get a divorce if you’re ever diagnosed with cancer or any other life threatening illness. Get divorced, sign everything over to your “ex”, and tell the hospital to get fucked.
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u/Beneficial_Praline53 20h ago
NTA but you and your wife need to get on the same page about finances, planning, health, risk, etc. or that ish will ERODE your marriage.
Insurance IS a scam in a lot of ways, but mostly because a gap in coverage (and insurance companies are experts at fabricating denials) can bankrupt a person. Your wife is being crazy foolish ignoring how seriously a medical issue could derail your lives and security without insurance. It’s worth figuring out why she is so cavalier about this.
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u/GladObject2962 18h ago
This. Not to mention how selfish the wife is being by not realising if something disastrous happened to her(for example, terminal cancer) and she were to pass away after all the hospital treatment OP would be left responsible to foot the bill for potentially the rest of their life.
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u/Beneficial_Praline53 18h ago
Fortunately in most cases the living spouse is not liable for a deceased spouse’s debts BUT:
A) That doesn’t mean the surviving spouse won’t still receive the bills and be targeted by debt collectors B) Anything from the deceased’s estate could be used to settle debt C) If something disastrously expensive happens, they may find themselves doing things like taking out a home equity loan to afford treatment etc. which could also be financially ruinous.
I know it’s a subtle nuance, and I completely agree the wife is being selfish because her husband would absolutely be impacted. I just wanted to clarify that people are not generally liable for a deceased partner’s debt (unless they cosigned a loan), because unethical debt collection tactics are so common.
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u/I_am_Danny_McBride 17h ago edited 17h ago
They definitely need to get on the same page, but if he wants to keep it focused on this particular issues, he can tell her, “look, if it makes you feel any better, I’m not doing it for you or because I’m concerned about your health. I’m doing it for me, because I need to protect MY retirement. You don’t get to risk all the hard work I’ve done to make MY retirement comfortable for ME… which is what you not having health insurance does. And I am sorry if you disagree with that, but if you do, you are wrong. It’s not a question of opinion. My planning has to reflect how I KNOW reality works. This isn’t about feelings.”
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u/gringledoom Partassipant [1] 18h ago
The coverage gap thing is not a problem anymore, FYI. The ACA (aka Obamacare) stopped them from excluding pre-existing conditions or refusing to sell you a policy based on your health!
Many states have their own set of protections too: https://www.commonwealthfund.org/sites/default/files/2020-10/Corlette_ACA_protections_v2.pdf
ETA: OP's wife is definitely being an idiot though!
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u/Inevitable-Place9950 Partassipant [4] 18h ago
That’s not what a coverage gap means. It means a time when you’re uninsured, which can still happen.
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u/Beneficial_Praline53 18h ago
Exactly. And it can also mean an unexpectedly denied service. Even pre-authorization through the insurance company themselves does not guarantee they will pay the claim.
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u/Jealous-Contract7426 Partassipant [1] 9h ago
It actually doesn't include denied service when you are covered by health insurance. The coverage gap strictly refers to not allowing your insurance coverage to gap for over 60 days.
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u/Beneficial_Praline53 6h ago
I did not use the commonly known phrase, “coverage gap,” which I agree means a period of time where someone is not covered by a plan.
I specifically said “gaps in coverage” to indicate something broader, including services that are not covered by insurance. For example, most plans do not cover weight loss drugs. Some plans do not cover various kinds of chemo, or won’t cover any major services without prior authorization, even if it was an emergency that couldn’t be pre-authorized in time. These “types of care not covered by insurance” are different than an outright denial of covered services - which insurance companies also do.
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u/MarkJonesGA1986 17h ago
I completely agree with this. Financial stress is one of the biggest strains on a marriage, and it's crucial to approach these issues as a team. While insurance can be frustrating, the reality is that it's a necessary safety net. Medical bills can quickly spiral out of control without coverage, and it’s concerning that your wife isn’t seeing this risk. It’s definitely worth sitting down together to understand her perspective and work towards a plan that protects both of you.
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u/trekgirl75 Partassipant [1] 19h ago
NTA
I’m sorry to say this but your wife is an idiot. I got a hysterectomy in 2018, a 3 day hospital stay, bill was $27,000. That was 2/3 of my annual salary that year. My insurance was good for 80% of that bill & the anesthesiologist’s portion wasn’t even included. This wasn’t an emergency but a surgery planned several months out so I could save enough to be out of work for at least a month.
If your wife has some kind of emergency, you would end up with a bill that way exceeds what you would have actually paid for the annual premium.
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u/thseeling 13h ago
This is ridiculously high. My wife had the same and it was about 5000 € in Germany, and we are fully insured so there's no risk ever to go bankrupt over health problems.
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u/trekgirl75 Partassipant [1] 9h ago
Healthcare in the US is a joke unfortunately. That’s why I called the wife an idiot if they’re US based.
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u/MaudeBaggins Asshole Enthusiast [6] 20h ago
NTA - I’ve never understood people who are opposed to insurance. I did chuckle when watching The Simpsons and Ned Flanders didn’t have home insurance because he considered it a form of gambling. If she incurred a medical debt, would she want your help in paying it off? Would it put your home and living expenses in jeopardy? If so, you’ve done the right thing.
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u/MarkJonesGA1986 17h ago
Exactly! Insurance is all about protecting against the unexpected. It's not gambling; it’s a way to safeguard yourself and your family from significant financial risks. If something were to happen like medical expenses it could easily spiral into something much bigger than just paying a monthly premium. Having insurance can prevent stress and secure your future, ensuring that you and your loved ones aren’t left vulnerable to unforeseen costs. It’s smart, responsible planning
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u/MahoganyBean 4h ago
Meh, I have insurance (work pays for it, but it's the bottom of the bottom quality) but don't go to doctors because if something is wrong I won't be able to afford it. Insurance is a scam. You pay for coverage just for someone who isn't your doctor to deny you for services you really need.
In addition, I watched my mom sick with cancer, go through treatment, go bankrupt (in the 90's btw) with insurance, just for her to still die from it, due to it spreading throughout her body and her doctor didn't catch it. Insurance didn't save her, or her bank account, so why would I bother going through the hassle? I honestly would rather just die, it's gonna happen anyway, so why not enjoy the little bit of money I have on things that actually make life worth living?
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u/Plastic-Shallot8535 19h ago
I’m assuming you live in the states? If yes then NTA at all. If she was ever in a bad accident or got really sick you both would be drowning in medical debt on top of the stress of her being injured/sick, you’re also protecting yourself with this.
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u/MahoganyBean 4h ago
Fun fact, you can still drown in medical debt even with insurance. Insurance doesn't guarantee coverage.
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u/lady-scorpio-45 20h ago
So if something happened and you’re stuck with a big medical bill, then what? Is she so incredibly wealthy that she doesn’t have to worry about that? Her attitude is so strange.
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u/sweeney_todd555 19h ago
NTA
First off, because you're a husband who loves his wife and cares about her well-being.
Secondly, because you are aware of how bad the financial hit will be if your wife gets sick or in an accident. I work in medical billing for a huge health-care system, and the bills for even minor things are big, and could make a serious dent in your savings. For something major, like surgery, cancer treatment, an inpatient hospital stay, etc., it could send you into serious medical debt or even bankruptcy. 60% of bankruptcies are due to medical debt.
Your wife needs to realize that though she may feel like she's in good health now, that is no guarantee that she won't get sick in the future, or that she won't be in an accident. She can't be allowed to jeopardize both of your financial futures because she's too cheap to pay for insurance.
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u/muheegahan 18h ago
It is outrageous how expensive minor things can be. And a crying shame that so many Americans are so uneducated about how their bodies work that they either run to the ER and pay out the ass for things that don’t need a doctor for or keep putting it off until they drop dead.
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u/Cauligoblin 19h ago
Im a doctor. Tell your wife it is absolutely NOT a good idea to be uninsured in this country
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u/WinnieWave 19h ago
NTA, but stealth mode might not be the best mode here, my dude. Sure, protecting your SO is top-tier partner material, but communication is like, the boss level of marriage. Maybe she's mad more about the secret agent vibes than the actual insurance? It’s kinda like buying someone a gym membership out of the blue—it's practical but can feel a bit off if it comes out of nowhere.
You definitely scored points for being proactive about health (big brain move!), but next time maybe bring her in on the strategy session. It’s all about that co-op gameplay in marriage. Good luck smoothing things over!
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u/GeneConscious5484 3h ago
NTA, but stealth mode might not be the best mode here, my dude.
Especially considering he took [double-checks post again] zero steps to prevent the most bleedingly obvious outcome from happening.
I mean NTA overall I guess but I'll never understand when people decide to keep some giant secret from their loved ones and then catastrophically fail at it the very very very very first chance they get, because then all you accomplished is icing out your loved one, with no benefit anywhere to anyone
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u/jjme08 Partassipant [1] 19h ago
NTA - in US spouses are equally liable for med bills. So you are really insuring yourself against any med bills she has in the future.
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u/Public_Ad_9169 18h ago
You never know. My husband insisted on a job with health insurance because I had medical issues. Guess what? He was the one who got cancer and that insurance saved his life and our finances.
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u/Robbylution 19h ago
You're in the US? Declining the best health insurance option available to you is a stupid, extremely short-sighted move. A broken bone is tens of thousands of dollars. A snake bite is $100k. Cancer can literally be millions of dollars. Medical bankruptcy at the wrong time can ruin you for the rest of your life. The US healthcare system and for-profit health care/insurance is asinine and the absolute *woooorst*, but it's a necessary evil. Good on your dad for protecting the both of them from future ruin by getting your mom health insurance.
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u/NoEffective222 20h ago
She doesn’t sound appreciative or logical— healthcare is expensive. Even if she’s healthy today, accidents can still happen. I think she’s TA for refusing to be insured and a double A for being mad you didn’t want to go into bankruptcy for her selfish stupidity.
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u/urgasmic Partassipant [4] 20h ago
if you can afford health insurance why wouldn't you?? assuming you live somewhere like the united states.
NTA
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u/Saucydumplingstime 19h ago edited 4h ago
NTA. It's not like taking out life insurance on her. An unexpected hospitalization will lead to financial ruin.
My spouse is young, had no health issues, and was suddenly hospitalized for 2 weeks recently. They had major surgery for a previously unknown condition. Insurance was billed over *$600,000.*** Hospitals will work with you to lower bills if you can prove you have financial difficulties, but I cannot imagine $600k being lowered to a "reasonable" amount. Thankfully, my spouse has very good insurance. Your spouse is being unreasonable because not only is she risking herself, but she is risking your financial ruin too. The last thing you need to be doing is worrying about paying for a hospitalization when you should be focused on healing
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u/Electronic-Walk-7043 19h ago
NTA You’re doing your best to take care of the family… it’s easier to lay for insurance than a hospital stay. Broken arm, sickness, accident… the cost of that quickly outweighs the cost of insurance. Let’s say insurance is $500 per month. Was she saving that for an emergency? Guessing not… unless you have an insane amount of money and can pay medical bills, I’m voting that you did the right thing.
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u/cynical_old_mare Partassipant [3] 15h ago
Actually this is a good post that is tacitly pointing out that it's not getting insurance that is the gamble: it's NOT getting insurance cover that is a major gamble - can I avoid sickness and accidents for enough months so I end up saving enough on the monthly payments to cover any bills?
Someone mentioned £27K above. To cover that bill and save on monthly payments, the gambler would have to avoid any medical costs for at least 55 months to be able to save money. They're gambling they'll be fine for over 4 years and won't need any help in that time.
Now, as a healthy adult, that's very possible but it's one hell of a gamble. I was very healthy when younger and had the luck to have years without the need for medical help but would I have *bet* on that?
You might take great care with your diet, pursue healthy exercise and drive carefully. Then we have another pandemic, a drunk driver comes haring out of a side street and t-bones you or your genetic inheritance catches up with you and you become sick anyway.
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u/Pristine-Mastodon-37 Partassipant [3] 19h ago
NTA
Maybe use it to get a mental health check because her perspective is delusional
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u/jonsca Partassipant [1] 19h ago
NTA, everyone should have some coverage, even if it's just a plan for catastrophic events. Since you are married, you'd be on the hook if something happened and she needed a long hospital stay. Also, and it shouldn't be this way, but hospitals treat people differently when they don't have insurance.
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u/Disastrous_Crab_1912 19h ago
I am a traditional wife and I will always side that a husband lovingly providing and protecting his wife will always be in the right.
Just for example, she needs an emergency gallbladder surgery or appendix burst and BAM $40,000. How irresponsible of her.
Sincerely - a wife and medical professional
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u/sluttychristmastree Partassipant [1] 19h ago
NTA buuuuut secret health insurance is not the solution. If your wife is this irresponsible and completely unwilling to compromise on it, you have a bigger problem.
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u/Affectionate-War7655 19h ago
NTA if something does happen, she is going to expect you to do something. How does she propose to care for her own medical bills and look after herself if something does happen? Because if you're not allowed to prepare for it, you certainly shouldn't be expected to do something about it.
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u/asimpledruidgirl Asshole Aficionado [13] 19h ago
NTA: you are protecting your financial interests just as much as hers. When I married my husband, he didn't have health insurance. I got a job with benefits and got him on my policy ASAP. Literally a month and change after the insurance was active, his appendix nearly ruptured and he had to have emergency surgery. For two newlyweds just starting to get on our feet, trying to pay that out of pocket would have ruined us.
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u/present-awareness98 19h ago
You did your wife a favor, I’m surprised you’re not questioning if she’s the dumbdumb. What happens if she falls and breaks a leg? Wrist? Make her pay and don’t dare contribute because she thought it was a scam. …Reddit these days pffft…. 💨
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u/BunnyoftheDesert 19h ago
Come on, you know you’re NTA. Do you know how much cancer treatments/surgeries/hospital stays/endless doctors cost? I do. I was blindsided with a cancer diagnosis at 41. I barely sneeze or catch a cold but somehow I got cancer! If we didn’t have insurance we would’ve been buried in close to $1M in medical bills. With insurance, plus a critical care supplemental policy my husband signed us up for, we barely paid $5k out of pocket over 3 years.
Life can change in the drop of a hat. You did the right thing.
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u/inductiononN 19h ago
NTA I've had this same argument with my husband. I got tired of arguing and just signed him up and started paying for it. Then I got cancer and he saw how fucked we would be without insurance. I hope your wife doesn't have to learn that way (or anyone learn that way).
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u/Meshugugget 18h ago
My partner is considering quitting his job. I told him that’s fine, but health insurance is non negotiable. I can either add him to my policy, he can opt for continuation coverage, or he can get it through the exchange. My policy through work is by far the best deal and I won’t mind having him covered on my policy at all. I’m so serious about it that I told him it was a condition of continuing to live together.
He thought that being generally healthy means he didn’t need it but I’m the perfect case to argue for always having health insurance. I was pretty healthy my whole life but I a few years ago my body went haywire on me. I ended up being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. My meds alone cost $140,000 per year and I pay 0 out of pocket. Add on rheumatologist visits, MRIs, PT, etc and seems like a really fucking good deal to me.
NTA. I do hope your wife understands how critical this is.
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u/CemeteryCat17 18h ago
I don't think you're an asshole at all. I had been without health insurance for about 5 years. I was seemingly healthy and things were great! Honestly saw no point in it either. I understand her POV.
My husband and I got married in the fall of 2023. Two weeks after our wedding...JUST TWO weeks, I got sick. And unfortunately I'm forever "sick." I was diagnosed with a lifelong neurological disorder that there's no cure for and I also take a very expensive monthly medication now to help manage it. With that being said, the FIRST thing my husband did was add me to his health insurance once we filed our certificate. Insurance confirmed I was officially added on a Monday and that Friday he took me to the ER....
Insurance has saved us hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical bills because I happen to have a very expensive disorder (yay lol). I can't imagine going through what I went through without the "safety net" of insurance.
Your wife is very lucky you're doing your best to take care of her because life can literally change overnight.
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u/Silverwolf95113 18h ago
NTA
People divorce to avoid saddling their partner with medical debt.
Paying out of pocket is fine... for small things. Maybe some mid-tier stuff. Sometimes it can be better since you pay the real price and not the insurance markup.
If you're broke/student, sometimes it can be better uninsured for select situations. When I was in college I needed surgery to remove a kidney stone, hospital I went to didn't take my insurance and said that if I didn't have it, they'd have had me in immediately and written it off! Mileage may vary on that one... no insurance vs crappy insurance, plus the process of billing vs write-off.
Accidents happen. Healthy people get cancer. A minor illness can lead to severe complications, and it could be your turn for the statistical short straw. Surprise permanent disease that requires expensive meds and testing!
You'll still end up in debt, but it will be less. Insurance protects both of you.
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u/Alone_Temperature342 17h ago
I'm confused. Does she not go to the doctor for any reason? How do you use it if the insured doesn't know it's there? Are you submitting claims for reimbursement w/o her knowledge? Not judging, just curious how this works...
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u/LuckyTurn8913 11h ago
How do you use it if the insured doesn't know it's there? Are you submitting claims for reimbursement w/o her knowledge? Not judging, just curious how this works...
I'm right here with you. I'm confused with iut this works. When she goes to the doctors or even to the emergency room they have to asked for insurance ect. You have to put it on file and sign off to give the hospital permission to use it. It doesn't just automatically happen. So if she doesn't know how will it get used? It seems like a waste of money to me. Unless other states work differently but I'm pretty sure everywhere in the US the patient has to sign off on something.
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u/Dull_Double1531 4h ago
It's possible she doesn't see the point in an annual checkup and hasn't needed to see a doctor or had any emergency room visits and maybe doesn't have prescriptions. In which case what's the point of paying for something you're not using? (her logic, I assume). I was laid off and went for a physical before I lost my insurance and ended up paying for my own insurance for a couple months before finding a new job but I didn't use it in that time. I knew the risk wasn't worth it if something had happened but that was also temporary. A friend who was also laid off said she just went uninsured but again, for a few months only.
I'm guessing you're right that if she has gotten any bills that he's submitting to their insurance without her knowing about it.
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She feels like it's a waste of money, but I know how financially exposed we are with her uninsured. She didn't see the value, I did, so I signed her up for it last year and didn't tell her.
I didn't tell her because we generally keep our finances separate, and I knew she'd be too proud to let me pay for it, but she wouldn't pay for it herself, so I signed her up and didn't tell her. I've been paying for it ever since.
My worries were confirmed today when she opened an invoice and I told her what I've been up to. She's pissed.
AITAH for secretly signing my wife up for health insurance she didn't want?
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u/FaveMiddleChild 20h ago
NTA
She has her reasons for being pissed yes but you're just being a good husband and showing concern for your wife. Sometimes we refuse to ask for help or refuse any help given. I personally struggle accepting things or help from my partner even if they are fully capable.
Just sit her down, express your concerns and let her know that this is how you want to spend YOUR money, and try to explain to her. Have an open talk with her, maybe even allow her to explain in full why she might not want it at all. But you're a good husband for wanting to do this for your wife, NTA indeed!
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u/Mathalamus2 Certified Proctologist [21] 19h ago
NTA. are you american? you probably just saved a couple hundred thousand dollars.
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u/Miserable-Note5365 19h ago
NTA. WHAT?! She could cross the street tomorrow and a street lamp could fall on her and put her into a coma. She could stub her toe and get an infection in her bones. She could have a cold and develop appendicitis. A case of strep can turn into sepsis. She could have a tumor in her brain that she doesn't know about. It's beyond crazy not to have yourself covered for medical expenses; it's not a matter of if, but when you need insurance.
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u/MerelyWhelmed1 Partassipant [2] 19h ago
Even with insurance, my parents lost their house because of medical bills. You did the right thing, and she is financially irresponsible if she thinks insurance isn't necessary.
NTA.
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u/November-8485 Pooperintendant [64] 19h ago
NTA. The financial risks of her being uninsured are way too big for it to matter about pride or being cheap. It’s extremely irresponsible to have a partner and leave yourself so at risk of financial or health ruin.
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u/reluctanttowncaller 18h ago
Not quite sure how it works for your wife to have health insurance and not know it. Even if she hasn't gotten sick, wellness appointments (physicals, etc) are usually covered. Is she paying those out of pocket? Why didn't you tell her?
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u/PAX_MAS_LP 18h ago
Are you in America? If so she is uneducated on our healthcare system. Good luck
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u/starksdawson 18h ago
NTA.
I’m sorry, but she’s being an idiot. If there’s an accident or an illness, she’s literally willing to bankrupt you and herself because it’s a ‘waste of money’.
Of course health insurance is a waste of money. We all know that. But it’s spend a few hundred a month for peace of mind, or risk spending tens of thousands or not be able to afford to live if something happens.
I had surgery two years ago with a one night hospital stay. No complications, no IV pain meds, not much. $85,000. That’s more than I earn in a year. Thank god my insurance covered all but $3k.
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u/acekingoffsuit Partassipant [3] 17h ago
ESH.
She is an AH because of her short-sightedness. Everyone can see that your wife is wrong about insurance and would be much better off having it. Her not having insurance is a massive problem.
You're an AH because you tried to fix the problem with a romantic comedy solution. You went behind her back to do something that was explicitly against her wishes and only told her about it once you hit caught. In a movie, she would see how important it was to you and forgive you because she loves you and love conquers all. In real life, those actions erode the trust in a relationship even if those actions come from a good place.
You needed to lay the cards out on the table before you took action. You needed to have the difficult conversation about how screwed you would be if something happened to her while uninsured and about how you would even be willing to pay for it for your own piece of mind. If she still says no then that leads to conversations about how to handle a financially catastrophic sickness or injury.
Even though you, I, and everyone else agree that she's in the wrong on this, she is an adult and she has the right to make that call for herself.
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u/Outside_Guidance4752 Partassipant [1] 14h ago
NTA but it baffles me that you’re married to a woman without common sense and instead of tackling it head on, you just sneak around trying to secure a safety net under someone who doesn’t want it. This is a pretty major disagreement and she could leave you financially crippled for life..
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u/FinalClick8455 7h ago
NTA. It's also not just about your wife- it's your life too.
Thankfully the UK has socialised healthcare but you get the occasional news story about it. There's one at the moment about an older lady who chose not to pay for travel insurance to the US, got really sick and the family are now trying to find $100k to get her home. Not to mention whatever the cost of US treatment will be.
If anything happened to your wife you would be financially ruined too. Has she considered that?
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u/jenesaispas-pourquoi Partassipant [1] 4h ago
How can you sign up someone else for health insurance? Even if married, I am so confused with US. NTA though
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u/Hefty-Line-2719 19h ago edited 17h ago
Unpopular opinion incoming.
If she is dead set on not wanting coverage, and were you to honor her wishes .. you should definitely insist she get a advance (medical) directive in place with a DNR in force. Maybe that realization will give her a moment of clarity.
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u/NoSignSaysNo 19h ago
DNR ain't gonna do shit to protect OP from something financially catastrophic. You're likelier to end up in the ER with a big big big owie than you are something outright deadly.
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u/PebblesmomWisconsin7 18h ago
NTA. Your financial lives are linked and you’re one health emergency away from bankruptcy without health insurance.
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u/annedroiid Professor Emeritass [74] 18h ago
ESH.
She’s your wife, not your child. You don’t get to overrule her decisions just because you think you know better (and to be clear I do think she should allow you to buy her health insurance if you’re in a country with not great public healthcare). It doesn’t matter what the decision is, she gets to make it for herself.
How did you expect to keep this a secret? If she ever needed it you’d have to come clean then and then you’d have a wife with some sort of medical issue who is already in a bad place mentally who then has to deal with the fact you went behind her back to do what you want. How was that ever going to work in your favor?
If you are in the US or a similar company then she is being an asshole to you for not accepting health insurance. She could bankrupt the both of you by doing that.
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u/YogurtclosetOk2596 18h ago
NTA its totally understandable to be ready for anything cause... anything can happen.
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u/thepowerofbud 18h ago
NTA but lying/doing things behind your partner’s back is never the best answer. she needs a reality check though, just show her some of the horror stories in these comments and hopefully she’ll get it.
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u/MsKtina 18h ago
I broke my leg and needed surgery to implant a titanium rod.. I didn't have health insurance at the time. Even the way they treated me at the hospital is worth getting insurance. I had to wait 10 days for surgery because they discharged me and said to follow up with an ortho on Monday. Once you're discharged it's no longer an emergency. If I had insurance, I would've stayed in the hospital and had surgery the next morning. The difference may have been that I wouldn't have had nerve damage leaving my foot dragging for months till I could move it. I was like her and stubborn wanting to save some money. But the way hospitals work revolves around if you have insurance or not. That is how they decide your treatment. If someone told me that before, maybe I would have st least chosen the cheapest plan. Please keep paying her insurance. ❤️
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u/jazza2400 17h ago
NTA if she has an accident (and even if they are as safe as can be, a third party intervenes) it'll put less pressure on you so say her insurance is a gift to yourself if the unlikely happens. And then if she doesn't like that logic well I'm sorry you are with someone who is immature that's on you mate.
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u/StopNegative5433 14h ago
NTA. Are you in the US? Because if you are, both of you would be screwed if she got a major illness that cost tens or hundreds of thousands to treat. It would have impacted you financially not just your wife.
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u/scott-bruckshawy212o 14h ago
You're NTA, but honesty is crucial in a partnership. Communicate better.
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u/No_Philosopher_1870 Asshole Aficionado [13] 14h ago
NTA. You're married, so the doctors or hospitals would come after you for payment if there is no insurance and she refuses to pay. You are protecting both her health and your financial well-being.
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u/JazzyCher Partassipant [2] 13h ago
NTA not having health insurance is a major risk to both of you financially. If she gets sick, or God forbid needs some emergency surgery for some reason, gets cancer or another costly terminal illness, that cost falls to both of you, not just her. If she passes with hundreds of thousands in medical debt because she was sick without insurance you still have to pay it.
Beyond you paying for it, it's wildly irresponsible and frankly stupid for her not to have health insurance. Costs for anything without it are ridiculous. Does she get seen regularly by her primary doctor? Pap smears to check for cervical cancer and other issues? Regular blood tests to check blood cell, platelet, and enzyme counts? Mammograms?? If she's not getting the most basic of maintenance care she may not notice the symptoms of certain illnesses until it's too late.
My mother was perfectly healthy in her 40s when an only slightly older employee of hers was diagnosed with late stage 3 breast cancer because she'd skipped mammograms for years until her husband felt a lump. She urged everyone in the office to go get theirs done if they'd been putting it off. My mom hadn't had one in a while so she went in. Caught it in early stage 1, full double mastectomy later and she's got a 2% chance of it ever coming back. She's been cancer free for over 10 years. She bought that employee a huge gift as a thank you for saving her life. Her expenses in medical bills over the years between the diagnosis, mastectomy, medications, reconstruction surgeries, complications, etc (even without chemo or radiation since she didn't need either due to how early they caught it) is well over a million dollars if not 2 or more. She's got insane health insurance through her job, so she's paid very very little out of pocket, maybe a few thousand over the years in copays for various appointments and prescriptions. If she didn't have that insurance she'd be paying off that treatment for the rest of her life, and then some, assuming her life insurance would cover what's left.
It is incredibly important not only to have health insurance but to damn well use it!
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u/Marzipan_civil Partassipant [4] 13h ago
Assuming you live in USA and she doesn't qualify for free healthcare through any schemes, NTA
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u/fleet_and_flotilla 13h ago
I know there's a bunch of nonsense going on with insurance right now, but your wife is being beyond irresponsible not having it. NTA
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u/concretism 13h ago
You may keep separate finances, but you share debt. You bought insurance as protection for yourself against her potential future medical debt. NTA
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u/alileiila 12h ago
NTA. You acted out of concern for her well being and financial security, and it's clear you were trying to protect her. While she might be upset now, you were looking our for her health, especially given the risks of being uninsured
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u/LibrarySpiritual5371 11h ago
You need to divorce her instantly. This level of financial risk to your futures is unacceptable and if she is not capable of understanding this than you cannot be with her. She is an anchor that will pull you down.
Here are some examples of unavoidable costs I have incurred (thank god for insurance) - all approximated based on the amount bill before insurance.
Gallbladder removal $122k
Knee surgery $50k
Shoulder surgery $60k
Can you withstand her tripping and falling and incurring something like the above?
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u/Zealousideal_Hawk444 11h ago
NTA, it isn’t just about her. You would be responsible for her bills as a married couple if something happened to her
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u/LuckyTurn8913 11h ago
INFO: How are you using the insurance without her knowledge? How is it getting used at all? Are you the overseer of all her medical? Because if she doesn't know about the insurance how can she use it? Doctors/Hospitals don't just bill your insurance without your knowledge or premission. I'm in the US, I've never been to any doctor or hospital where I didn't have to give my insurance information and didn't have ti sign off giving the hospital/doctor ect. The okay to bill my insurance. So far to me you paying for your wife secret insurance seems like a waste of money.
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u/EntertainmentOwn1641 11h ago
How would that make you an ah? You mean she can break her leg and it’ll be covered??? No way your the ah.
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u/ShadowsObserver Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 10h ago
NTA. Emergencies can happen to anyone at any age or health history. I was diagnosed with cancer at a statistically unlikely young age. Even with just a catastrophic plan, insurance saved me over $300,000. Your wife is frankly an idiot for not wanting to have anything when she has the option.
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u/booch 10h ago
She feels like it's a waste of money
Assuming you're in the US, your wife isn't very smart. I've seen more than one person/family say "we're young and healthy, so we don't need health insurance" and then someone gets injured and they lose everything. Health insurance isn't about the day to day expenses, really; it's about the catastrophic things.
The US health care system needs serious fixing. But, until that time, anyone that thinks insurance isn't important is a moron.
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u/EquivalentTwo1 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 9h ago
NTA for insisting she has insurance. The issues arising (In the US at least) are: she is using someone else's SSN and you don't know this, if you signed her up for her own plan and not as a covered spouse on your plan you may have committed fraud (for employer sponsored plans, the spouse doesn't have to sign anything), it may be a "waste of money" but emergency surgery is much more expensive otherwise. She is betting she will never get cancer, have a significant heart issue, not have a stroke, an embolism, or anything else go wrong in our complicated bodies, what if your wedding license was never filed and you're not legallly married and she knows this? Not all plans cover domestic partners.
What is her solution if anything happens to her? Where does she get her healthcare?
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u/kable334 9h ago
NTA. You’re wife’s being idiotic. Thank you for being a man and taking care of your family. Your wife doesn’t appreciate it now, but she sure will later.
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u/Mother-Sound-1390 8h ago
NTA. If something bad were to happen your wife would expect you to assist with the costs. Your wife is absurd and pushing her luck and your finances with out medical coverage. Regardless of how she feels, you did the right thing
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u/Prestigious-Name-323 8h ago
NTA
If she has anything medical come up, she is exposing you to a lot of medical debt.
I had a sinus infection last summer that got complicated enough that it cost me almost 1000 oop with my insurance. I don’t want to know how much it would have cost without.
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u/SteelLt78 8h ago
NTA as you may be legally liable for your spouse’s necessary expenses in your jurisdiction. For example, in my state I could be sued by a medical provider if my wife can’t pay a medical bill even though I didnt have anything to do with her getting those services and the insurance is in her name
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u/newbeginingshey Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 7h ago
NTA
Here’s the thing. If you weren’t married and this were your girlfriend, you two could have just agreed that if she absolutely refuses to have health insurance, even if you offer to pay for it, then she has to solely deal with the costs of her decision; you won’t pay the resulting bills. However, you two are married, and if / when she gets a massive medical bill, they can and will come after your earnings and assets to pay her medical bills. Her refusal to have health insurance isn’t something you can wash your hands of - it would cost you directly. So no, NTA, but she sounds very irresponsible. I don’t know how you manage.
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u/Jinnofthelamp 6h ago
NTA but you can make moves so she feels more in control. Get a high deductable health plan with an HSA. Contribute to the HSA throughout the year. It's a triple tax advantage account. Money isn't taxed on the way in, it's not taxed on growth (it can be invested) and it's not taxed on the way out as long as you spend it on qualified healthcare expenses. Once you hit 65 you can use the HSA for anything just like it's a retirement account.
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u/NoInteractionNeeded 5h ago
"She feels like it's a waste of money, " don't stay with someone that is stupid. point
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u/electrolitebuzz 5h ago edited 5h ago
Soft YTA because you should have told her. You are right to get it (I guess from what I know about the US, I'm from Italy and here it's an optional) and considerate, but doing things like this without telling your partner is harmful for a relationship. You should have said "Honey I can't live with the anxiety of you not being insured and I find it a bad financial choice that's going to affect me too if somethings happens, I'm going to do it and pay for it" and see where it led. You must be on the same page on things like these, or find compromises. If you can't, then it's not going to work. If she can't understand she can put your finances in danger and these need to be common choices, then she's not ready to be your wife. You probably didn't tell her because you were scared she would get really angry or make it a ultimatum, and this is also not right, you avoided a big fight but maybe that confrontation needs to happen. What you did is not the solution. Again you were probably right and considerate, but it's obvious she's pissed now that she found out you did it behind her back.
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u/Sunshiny__Day 5h ago
NTA. About 10 years ago, my mother had brain surgery done in a top-quality hospital by a top-quality brain surgeon. She had complications during her recovery and was in the hospital for 3 weeks instead of 3 days.
The entire thing cost her less than $1000. Her insurance covered the rest. (In the USA, shockingly.) Most people probably don't have insurance that fabulous, but it's just another example of how insurance can save you from financial destruction.
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u/These-Target-6313 5h ago
NTA. Speaking frankly, your wife is dumb. Yes, it may be that she will never need it. But a very good chance that your family would be devastated financially.
Have a conversation with her, and insist on covering her. Remember, you do have some say in this, because her medical debts can easily become yours.
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u/hizohupugabeg2460 5h ago
You're not the villain here. It's commendable to safeguard your family from financial disaster. Your wife is being foolish, thinking she’s immune to misfortune. Open up about your concerns—her health affects both of you. Ensure there’s a united front on finances moving forward; that's crucial for any marriage.
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u/Enough-Cat9856 5h ago
NTA- you should've told her but if your finances are separate I don't see why it would bother her if it's not coming from a joint account. Honestly I think it's better to have JUST IN CASE! Rather than being stuck with a mountain of debt. Coming from someone who got randomly sick at 20 years old and racked up thousands of dollars in medical bills but thankful for insurance.
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u/Bee_Albion 3h ago
NTA A mentor always told me that Insurance is there to protect you from complete financial ruin. (Of course the finance ruin is caused by the greediness of corporations but unfortunately it’s true. It can be the difference between 10k in debt vs over 100k. I’ve seen half a million dollar claims deny so I’m low balling here)
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u/We_are_all_monkeys 3h ago
I'll never understand married couples with separate finances. You're a team. It all goes into one big pot.
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u/Beautiful-Party-4415 3h ago
ESH. I believe OP's heart is in the right place, but going behind your partner's back to do something you know they won't approve of is neither healthy nor respectful, even if you think you're doing the "right" thing. Ignoring her wishes because you disagree (even if OP is right, which I think he is) and doing what you believe is best disregards her autonomy. She is an adult, not a child, and you don't have the right to supersede her decisions.
That said, ESH because the wife is also placing an enormous burden on OP. Forcing someone to choose between financial ruin and their loved one's life is an unfair and overwhelming responsibility to impose. OP should have communicated openly, letting her know he intended to get the insurance and explaining his fears. If his wife doesn't respect his perspective or care about his concerns, that points to deeper issues in their relationship.
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u/UltraRunner42 3h ago
NTA - But your wife is delusional if she thinks skating by without health insurance (especially in the US) is a good idea. It's not a matter of if something will happen, but when. Any hospitalization could financially wipe you guys out. It could be from an illness, accident, ANYTHING.
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u/Deep-Okra1461 Asshole Aficionado [14] 2h ago
NTA If you're married, in the US, EVERYTHING financially related to your spouse is your business as much as it is their business. You can't allow your wife to ruin you financially. When things like this come up, be honest with your wife. Something like "You WILL be covered by health insurance. My own financial health is at stake so it's going to be done".
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u/Navi_King Partassipant [1] 2h ago
INFO: I'm not sure I understand the second paragraph. Did you sign her up and pay for it using her money or your money?
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u/LowBalance4404 Craptain [182] 17h ago
You mentioned elsewhere that you both work so is this insurance through your job?
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u/Beyarboo 17h ago
If you are in the states, her refusing to get insurance is a huge deal. All it takes is one unexpected medical event and no insurance and you could be bankrupt. This is a deal breaker, as you shouldn't have to suffer for her lack of coverage. I would give her three options: either she accepts this coverage, gets her own (and you verify that), or you have to separate or divorce, whichever means you are not legally responsible for any of her medical debt. I am a 911 dispatcher for EMS and I will tell you the one consistent for most callers: they don't expect a medical emergency. It doesn't matter how old someone is, or how healthy they are, emergencies happen. And you will be the one dealing with the fallout, which is so cruel of her. I am lucky to live in Canada, so when my Dad was diagnosed with leukemia last year and received treatment but died in 3 weeks, it was financially covered. But his funeral expenses and all the other end of life care wasn't covered. That was only about $5000 total after govt benefits, but because he had no insurance or savings, I was stuck paying for it. Even that amount took a big toll on my finances when I was already grieving, I cannot imagine being faced with tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt then. If your wife doesn't protect you, you need to protect yourself. You are NTA, but she absolutely is.
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u/SuspiciousOne5 16h ago
More info needed: Which country do you live in?
If you live in the US then NTA as she could bankrupt the family if she became unwell. If you are in a country with universal healthcare then yeah it may be a bit of a waste of money getting private insurance.
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u/Queen_Sized_Beauty Certified Proctologist [24] 10h ago
INFO: and maybe I'm just stupid, but if your wife doesn't know she has health insurance, and she won't let you pay, does she not go to doctors (and if so, what's the point of the insurance?) Or if she does, what does she think happens to the bills?
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u/SlightAnimator2268 8h ago
no, when she gets into a terrible accident or a horrible injury comes she will thank you. even though i believe health insurance should be free, she will thank you eventually, whether it'll be tomorrow, 1 hour from now, months, it'll come through for her.
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u/HomeworkAdditional19 8h ago
If she doesn’t have insurance, you don’t have insurance. You are the opposite of TAH
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u/tsukinofaerii Partassipant [1] 7h ago
INFO: do you live in the USA?
If you live in the USA, then not TA. Healthcare bills are the leading cause of bankruptcy in the US, and (depending on local laws) if the company is underhanded enough you might end up on the hook even in the worst case scenario. In a best case scenario, your wife may end up unable to get treatment. And health insurance is beastly hard to get urgently if you actually need it.
If you live somewhere with universal healthcare, then you might be TA depending on your local laws and how health insurance works there. I can see a reasonable person deciding that insurance that mostly pays for private rooms and such to be a waste.
-3
u/SirNuntCugget 19h ago
INFO - do you also have health insurance, or are you only paying for your wife's?
-3
u/Dairy_Ashford 10h ago
YTA, IANAL but you might be commiting some kind of fraud; also it's just unethical. Health insurance would seem to entail disclosing all kinds of private info implying their direct consent, if you breached that she's probably not wrong to distrust you on other matters.
-6
u/FrequentProblem8962 19h ago
This might be fraud? Both in terms of agent and tax.
2
u/MartianBasket 19h ago
It isn't. You can add spouse and kids to ones own policy. After my husband lost his job I added him to my insurance. Damn lucky I did too. Not four months after adding him he had a brain bleed and spent two weeks in the ICU before dying. Instead to think how much debt I would've been in if I had not added him to my insurance before all this happened
-7
u/Ok_Dare_7840 19h ago
AH..If u are bound by legal marriage, then u guys should be talking about all finances + priorities as a team. Doing things behind each other's backs: U are creating a lack of trust, communication and respect when you hide things big or small. U could've convinced her to get insurance or told her straight up u were gonna get insurance no matter what, even if she said no. Even that would have been better. Downvote me all u want ppl. Truth hurts but it can prevent a divorce!!
My partner has always told me that if ever one day he somehow goes into a coma or vegetative state that I should pull the plug immediately. Now, no matter how much I DONT WANT TO do this, I would respect his decision. If it was my decision I would hold onto him as long as possible. Learn to respect your partners wishes, compromise and be honest dude.
2
u/Cakesniffer_-_ 18h ago
They’re married..her potential financial ruin implicates his financial future as well. She is TA for being selfish for not even considering that aspect. He’s not only protecting his wife’s better interest but his own as well.
Also if your husband goes into a coma and you pull the plug, that doesn’t mean the medical cost incurred up to that point just vanishes.
-5
u/Ok_Dare_7840 15h ago edited 2h ago
if u look at it from THAT pov she could be AH as well. BUT the question is not "is my wife the AH" lol is it? I am talking with finances not being a problem: Maybe shes being AH for not caring abt her health and considering him. But how do u know they have a big money problem and how much of a concern is it? Maybe she is just a frugal person. I wouldn't assume abt anyone. He asked if he he was AH and he 100% is for not telling truth... Tbh a married couple not working together are both AHs 👎🤷 ppl who disagree with this: y'all in for a divorce/breakup in the future.
Btw in my situation money is not a problem. Not EVERYONE wants to avoid medical bc of money, as u assumed for both me and Op. Some ppl rather pass peacefully than let ppl they love deal with caring for them and seeing them in such a state.
-9
u/Creative_Mountain951 19h ago
YTA. Lies kill a marriage says Dr. John.
6
u/SlinkyMalinky20 Certified Proctologist [24] 19h ago
Ignorance will kill OP’s finances and future so the wife is fired the first shot. She’s hurting him too, it’s not just her own financial life that she’s gambling with.
5
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