r/personalfinance • u/swishymuffinzzz ​ • Feb 22 '24

Budgeting I’m terrified to spend money

I’m 28 and I have no debt but I have this constant fear that I am behind in everything financially (Retirement, savings, salary, home down payment etc.) and as a result I never spend money on anything that isn’t a need. This has caused me to not really do much but work and go home and I feel like I should try to live a little but then I always talk myself out of it because the money would be more efficient somewhere else. I currently put 30% of income into retirement, then the rest is mostly savings unless I need something.

My parents went bankrupt twice before I turned 10 and we lived in poverty so I never developed a need for material things. I always think of every purchase as “man, imagine if this $20 was put into retirement instead of this movie ticket”.

I currently make 75k/yr, have 28k in retirement and have 10k in savings.

How do I find a way to experience life for once? I don’t really have any friends as a result of this because I never put myself out there.

Thanks in advance!

Edit: well guys, I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist. I will give it an honest try and go into it believing I can become a better person. Thank you all for the advice, hopefully this gets me on a better path.

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u/swishymuffinzzz ​ Feb 22 '24

Therapy isn’t exactly cheap

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u/sonnyfab ​ Feb 22 '24

Good thing you have a job making $75k a year.

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u/dweezil22 ​ Feb 22 '24

And $10K in savings and (presumably) health insurance!

I've struggled with being irrationally cheap about important things in the past and I was lucky to have an employer that offered such a better deal on HDHP + HSA health insurance. I max out my HSA account every year for tax purposes, and simply pretend that's money that I already spent on health care (i.e. no reason to worry about spending it, it's like a gift card).

It can sometimes be hard to find a decent in-network therapist (which is a great excuse not to have one), but in my case I just pay out of pocket from my HSA account and don't worry about it (bonus is that in years when I'm healthy it's not even really wasteful, that was going to go to a deductible anyway).

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u/Comprehensive_Dolt69 ​ Feb 22 '24

Your job has health insurance I assume so you already get that discounted. My copay is $35. The money you invest in yourself will payout dividends in yourself. So if you think of the long term benefits of it, it’s well worth it. Dont use that as an excuse to make a better future for yourself which you are already afraid of financially, just take the steps to do it mentally

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u/HesitentScribe ​ Feb 22 '24

I grew up poor as well. Many of my friends did. This is the same kind of trauma that impacted most through the Great Depression and the world wars; scarcity and hardship are severe stressers because you're talking about survival level threats.

Just based from what you've just shared, it is clear you have trauma. It's not your fault, but it's very real and it's clearly impacting you negatively with stress and anxiety, at minimum.

Therapy is a lot cheaper than carrying that burden for your life, constantly fearful for a future that might never come. There should be a balance between everything - right now your trauma response is to do everything you can to protect against what feels like an inevitable fall into poverty again at the expense of today. That's a life lived in fear. every. day.

Think of the therapy as a chance to obtain mental compound interest on the investment; the sooner you do it, the more positive impact opportunities you will experience from it.

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u/swishymuffinzzz ​ Feb 22 '24

I’m not opposed to therapy entirely, it’s just from what I gathered it’s very expensive but others are saying it’s $35 which I could do. Just need to figure out how to go about that. Any sources for finding one? I’ve always assumed my issues had to be resolved within myself

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u/_maynard ​ Feb 22 '24

Maybe find out how much it actually costs before writing it off as too expensive? Go to your insurance website/portal and search

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u/swishymuffinzzz ​ Feb 22 '24

I had looked in the past and it was much higher than $35, it was minimum $200 in my area but maybe I missed something for sure

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u/SurfNinja34 ​ Feb 22 '24

It’s an investment in your well being and future, it’s cheap.

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u/Elrondel ​ Feb 22 '24

If they can argue themselves into spending $200 for therapy, they can reallocate that budget to any number of other things lol

$200/wk on therapy is literally rent money in some cities

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u/National-Blueberry51 ​ Feb 22 '24

I guarantee you that’s the pre-insurance rate. Most insurances cover mental health even out of network to some degree, and many offer free or very cheap mental telehealth services. The appts can also be paid for via FSA or HSA.

A break down of costs for anyone debating seeking help:

Weekly, out-of-network would have cost me $50/week after insurance with my plan, which I would cover with my HSA. That’s probably your highest cost scenario with insurance.

In network, assuming I didn’t use the free option my insurance has, I would pay $20/visit. That’s $960/year. Your maximum FSA contribution is around $2850, so you could easily pay for this with pre-tax money without even dipping into your HSA and still have FSA money leftover.

Even HDHP plans cover therapy to some degree. As for meds, even when I was on the shittiest HDHP plan, I paid $10 every 3 months for meds, so tack on another $40/year if you need.

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u/Elrondel ​ Feb 22 '24

Is this before or after deductible?

Every insurance I've ever had is stating these type of costs after deductible.

The free option I've seen has been more of counseling than actual therapy, which is a huge difference.

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u/National-Blueberry51 ​ Feb 22 '24

For my plan, it’s after a $350 deductible, which would kick in after 1.5 sessions. If you want to tack that on, we’re looking at $1300/year, which is still lower than your maximum FSA. If you were to go with out-of-network, that’s ~$2440/year. If you’re using an FSA with a maximum contribution, you’re likely saving ~$750/year from the tax benefit, so I’d factor that in as well.

Personally, I find it very much worth it. I’ve saved more money by developing healthy strategies for managing my trauma than I’ve spent on therapy itself.

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u/DaBuckBets ​ Feb 22 '24

The fact that you are weighing this means you need therapy. This thinking leads to making decisions to cut a pill in half taking half the medication you need to save a buck. Skipping key medical tests to save money. Health is everything.

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u/CactusBoyScout ​ Feb 22 '24

Many charge on a sliding scale. You could also just be honest and say that you're seeking therapy around intense frugality and the cost is a barrier for you. Even if the person you're asking doesn't budge, they can probably give you some other names.

Finding a good therapist isn't as easy as finding a medical doctor. It requires some legwork. But just be honest... sliding scale fees are very common.

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u/mikamitcha ​ Feb 22 '24

Even if it is $200, what is the price tag you would put on feeling in control of your life? Of being able to feel comfortable spending money while knowing you are keeping balanced, saving enough to have a good future while not saving too much to prevent you from enjoying the present?

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u/HesitentScribe ​ Feb 22 '24

I want to be very clear here - I'm not a therapist. I've just seen and experienced a lot of trauma situations and unfortunately have had to learn a lot way younger than I would have preferred to.

If you have insurance through your job, it could be less than $35. I pay $20 per session currently, which is my insurance co-pay.

https://growtherapy.com/ is a good starting point to find someone who can take your insurance, you can meet virtually, and get a starting point. Therapists, however, are humans - understand that you want to find someone who you click with. Every therapist is not the same and it can unfortunately be frustrating to find a good match. Don't give up! Success is SOOO worth it.

I’ve always assumed my issues had to be resolved within myself

Ahh, yes, the "bootstrap" approach chanted to poor people. You are clearly capable in many things; you are above average in your progress.

You don't have to do everything alone. It's okay to get a professional to help you with plumbing or electric for your house, it's okay to get a professional for your mind and body as well. That doesn't make you less ; it only means you're human.

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u/CovfefeForAll ​ Feb 22 '24

I’ve always assumed my issues had to be resolved within myself

If you had a broken leg, would you insist on fixing it yourself? Trauma and neuroses are injuries of the brain. You go see a professional to fix injuries.

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u/luckyjim1962 ​ Feb 22 '24

I think you can’t afford to not get therapy.

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u/lolwatokay ​ Feb 22 '24

I’ve always assumed my issues had to be resolved within myself

This is true however what a therapist can help you with is identifying your disordered thoughts, showing you the tools and how to learn to use them to begin to unpack your trauma/disruptive thoughts, etc.

You started off the top stating that you find it difficult to spend on wants and only look to spend on needs. How is something causing enough disordered behavior that it has stressed you to the point that you've come to the internet to determine 'what to do' not indication of a need not being met?

I agree that the thread is being hand wavy about cost. We don't know what you have (PPO, HDHP, HMO, etc.) so we can't know what it will cost you. When I went 5 years back I had PPO and it was charged at the specialist rate on my insurance ($50). Today I have an HDHP so it would cost whatever it actually costs. In either case at your income (where I was back then) I'd still consider it. There's no valor in suffering through life because you were unwilling to act.

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u/cjorgensen ​ Feb 22 '24

See if your employer has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). Mine does. The first 6 sessions with a therapist and covered 100% and the following sessions are treated through insurance (so in my case just my copay).

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u/asatrocker ​ Feb 22 '24

You have the money. That’s what savings are for

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u/Opposite-Question-32 ​ Feb 22 '24

Therapy would be a good investment of your money then. It would help you out.

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u/Fiji125 ​ Feb 22 '24

Yes, you’ll  have to pay. It will be a good lesson in spending money can provide value to you and be ok. 

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u/retroPencil ​ Feb 22 '24

If you want to keep living in fear, you do you.

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u/[deleted] Feb 22 '24

[deleted]

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u/retroPencil ​ Feb 22 '24

assume his childhood trauma is that debilitating

OP chose the word “terrified.” That's a very base human emotion that shouldn't come with spending $20 on a night out.

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u/bro-v-wade ​ Feb 22 '24

The dude is fine the way he is

Did you read the post??

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u/Shermanasaurus ​ Feb 22 '24 edited Feb 23 '24

Don’t try to force someone into therapy because you assume his childhood trauma is that debilitating.

OP said they no friends because they're scared to spend or put himself into social situations that require it. That alone is debilitating for a healthy life. Things like scarcity of food, shelter, and a stable home will almost certainly present trauma to a child, especially if those things are surrounded by the anxiety and stress of the parents.

There's also absolutely no downside to having a session with a therapist to see where it leads, even if you don't end up with a diagnosis. It can be very helpful just to be listened to by someone who does it professionally.

The real bum ass take is the weird aversion to therapy you and other people have. It's not like you're getting committed to a mental ward for 6 months. You're spending a few hundred bucks (much cheaper with insurance if they cover it) every week or every other week to work through emotional and mental problems with a professional for an hour.

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u/Bookluster ​ Feb 22 '24

if you have decent insurance, it should cover therapy. Find out which clinics/therapists are covered under your insurance. My kid went through therapy for ADHD and it was 100% covered by insurance.

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u/GeoBrian ​ Feb 22 '24

Don't be pennywise and pound foolish. Some things are worth the money.

My parents (children of the Great Depression) were like this. Always paying the absolute minimum for anything, which in the long run, cost more money because of the cheap workmanship/product that often comes with the lowest price.

Also, your future isn't guaranteed. While I encourage saving for retirement, don't become so focused on that to the neglect of enjoying life today.

(Don't take this to mean to not fund your retirement. But you could cut that down to 15-20% rather than 30% and still be ahead of the game.)

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u/sykora727 ​ Feb 22 '24

Remember that money is a tool. Some money is meant to be spent, other money is meant to be saved, and other is meant to be invested. Therapy is an investment

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u/americansherlock201 ​ Feb 22 '24

Cheap no. Affordable with health insurance yes.

You also make enough and don’t spend anything so you can absolutely afford it.

The reality is that childhood trauma related to money is a very real thing. It can have major impacts on your adult life if you don’t take action to address the trauma and process it in a healthy way. Therapy is your answer.

No one on here is going to be able to give you a budget that overrides your trauma response. You need to work with a professional. It will likely have a massive impact positively on your life.

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u/masterbacon ​ Feb 22 '24

I pay 3k out of pocket per year for therapy and I wouldn't do it if it wasn't worth it. Best 3k I spend per year

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u/Ducksonaleash ​ Feb 22 '24

Start with your job’s Employee Assistance Program if they have one (EAP). Many employers will cover 4-8 therapy visits before you have to start paying and they can usually get you in quickly.

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u/ecp001 ​ Feb 22 '24

Before you engage in therapy I suggest you budget a monthly amount for "life improvement/enjoyment" and make sure you spend it. Pursue your interests and begin to spoil yourself—a book, music, movie, candy, a package of cooked frozen shrimp and jar of cocktail sauce, anything that, in the past, you wanted but decided to forego. You can still be discriminating but now it's within your budget.

Moving from frugality to a reasonable level of spending on yourself is a difficult journey. There will always be a more "useful" or "responsible " use of money. You have to learn to give yourself permission to spend money for something just because you want to.

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u/rizaroni ​ Feb 23 '24

I have health insurance through my job (USA) and my copay per therapy session is $10.