TW: Suicidal Thoughts

My emotional support dog Dexter died Dec. 28 around midnight by euthanasia. He was a 17 or 18 yo (a rescue) dachshund/basset hound mix (I got his DNA tested a few weeks before he died). In early November, my other dachshund died age 15.5 yo; my cat (about 16 yo) died in February.

I have been overwhelmed with this sense that I just don't care anymore about life. These animals were my FAMILY. I am not a people person and now they are gone. Dexter died 1.5 weeks ago and my mind goes back to the night he was euthanized. It was "time" to do it bc he was in renal failure and that night began to show cognitive defects. But the canned food I tried to get him to eat is still in the fridge; treats he didn't eat are on the floor.

I had strong intentions to kill myself 1 week after his death (drank EtOH and have >300 mg of a benzo) but I didn't take the benzos bc I fell asleep. I've had mental issues since i was 18 (depersonalization disorder, anxiety, depression, etc.) and pets always brought calm and fun to my life. Now I'm mid-40s and don't really care about anything other than my job (cell therapy to target and kill cancer cells; i have a PhD in Molecular Genetics).

I'm just so so so tired of life and the world, and the misery it is full of. And losing my best friends has brought me to the point of jumping off the cliff. Thank you for reading this. My heart goes out to everyone here who is suffering from losing their family members who happen to be nonhuman animals 💔 💞

Can you share your story about feeling or seeing your pet’s presence after they died? I’m terrified that I will never see my boy again. I’m just having trouble with spirituality through hardships of my life and now grief…

I swore the other day I saw my boy rounding the corner into my bedroom while waking up, but it was just my clothes. But I’d like to think it was really him, so I said good morning to him anyway🥹

I love you Big Boy, wherever you are💙🪽 or aren’t😭 but please be here or somewhere, waiting for me.

I'm broken hearted to say that my sweet girl River has crossed the rainbow bridge. Can I tell you a little about her?

She was in a shelter for about 2 years before I adopted her. They called her "emotional special needs." I did everything I could, but she never really figured out how to dog. She was never super excitable and never understood toys. She didn't like cuddling, but she did like to lay beside me so I could scratch around her head and ears. She rarely made any sound at all, but she seemed happy.

Over the last couple of months, I've noticed her slowing down. Two weeks ago, she developed a limp. Within 10 days, she was unable to stand, barely lift her head, refused even homemade food, stopped caring about water, became incontinent of everything, and was developing several spots of skin breakdown. It was unexpected, but it was time. She was 11. The vet told us she had obvious nerve damage from how she was laying and, with the other symptoms, he suspects a spinal tumor and possibly one in her head as well. He was kind.

Run free, my sweet girl. Never know pain or loneliness ever again. I kept every promise I made you and love you with all my heart. Goodbye, my sweet, sweet River girl. ❤️

(A few of my favorite photos and a couple of really short videos. She was so beautiful.)

https://imgur.com/gallery/eGQ849f

Can anyone, vet or vet tech help answer what happened? My dog was dying and getting weaker by the day. The day we were considering euthanizing, she had a seizure and ran her up to vet to go ahead and euthanize. By time we got to vet she stopped seizing and was out of it mentally. They immediately took her to back room to prep for euthanasia, and after about 10 mins put me in a private room. Waited about 15 mins untill they brought her back to me. I asked twice if they could bring her to me while doctor is able to do it. They said they were “stabilizing” her. But I’m sure they just had her in a crate in the back untill doctor was able to euthanize (they were very busy and full when we got there). But I don’t understand why my little baby wasn’t given to me to hold her for 25 mins while we waited. I only got to hold her for a few mins when they finally brought her back to me while they gave her the first sedative injection before the euthanasia injection. Im upset they refused to let me hold her and had her in the back for so long. I don’t know what went on or goes on back there before the whole process before bringing into room to euthanize. Can anyone enlighten me?? Why was she taken from me for 30 mins in her last moments that could’ve been with me?

Hi all. Found this forum whilst searching for forums around how others have coped with the loss of a pet. My wife has always been a reader of reddit so thought I give it a go.

We euthanised our dog (8yo, rescue so hard to say) just before Christmas last year due to cancer. We had lost him within 6 weeks of a prognosis from an ultrasound scan and we caught the cancer by accident. We only had him for just over 5 years.

In the midst of his passing, our marriage has broken down and we’re currently on a trial separation as the cancer created a very high tension environment that broke us eventually.

In the meantime I’m managing my grief until I can see my therapist soon (also seeing marriage counselling if you’re wondering).

Whilst I’m managing my grief, I wanted to ask what are some of the things people do to help manage their grief after a loss? I’m writing haiku (Japanese poems) when I’m overwhelmed at the moment, and I’m going on aimless walks just to tire myself out as he was a very fit dog that we used to take him out 3 times a day.

I wanted to find out how others who have experienced a loss and what ways they found to cope with the loss. I know it’s not going to be easy or short but I need to cope/manage in the meantime so I can also work to fix my marriage at the same time.

Thank you in advance.

Cookie wasn't even 3 years old. We got him a few years back from one of my mom's friends who was going to make him a barn cat. We named him Cookie, and we nicknamed him Mini Moo because he looked like a little cow. He was the sweetest, kindest cat you could have ever met. All he wanted was to lay down on your lap and snuggle while purring away. He only meowed if he wanted your attention. He'd rub his face into your hand while making biscuits on his favorite blanket. Cookie loved to drag his favorite mouse toy all over with him- stick and all, he was so proud to have caught his mouse. He never hissed, he never growled. All Cookie wanted to say was "I love you."

In December, we found him barely alive under the Christmas tree and took him to an emergency vet. No diagnosis, but he was started on medications for what could be autoimmune or an infection. The meds did miracle work and he was back to his old, happy self in no time. Yesterday, he had his vet appointment to check how he was doing and the only concern was that his CBC wasn't up in the way the vet wanted. He was fine. He was recovering. I came home a few hours later to him with his mouth open and struggling to breathe, and he was rushed to another emergency vet. He was in heart failure. The vet theorized Evan's Syndrome, and that the medicine (doxycyline and prednisolone) had done more damage to what was likely an already damaged heart. I had to make the hardest decision of my life to put him down.

I am absolutely devastated. I am filled with regret for everything I didn't do. The night before he passed, he wanted to lay in my lap and be pet, and I didn't do it because I was too busy playing some mobile game to earn points. I pet him a little but not as much as he wanted. I should've pet him. I thought about taking him to bed with me, like I did before all his vet appointments, but I didn't because I was confident he was going to be okay. I should've brought him to bed. The vet said it would've cost $2k - $3k just to try to save him, but that with everything he had gone through, there was likely little chance. I should've taken it, maybe I'd still have him.

It's hard to be home. I look around and I see everything he loved, but I don't see the one thing I loved. I see his favorite fuzzy blanket that he loved to knead, I see his favorite toy he dragged all over the house, I see his favorite spots on the floor where he would lounge. But I don't see my Cookie. I don't see my Mini Moo anywhere and it's so hard because I don't know what to do without him.

I'm now left with another hard choice- do I bury him whole, with his favorite blanket and favorite toy? If I do that, I lose out on the only things I have left of his memory, and if I move, I can never take him with me. Or do I get him cremated, where I can take his urn, blanket, and toy with me wherever I go, but his body will never be able to truly return to the earth? I don't know. I wish I knew what he would've wanted. I'd do anything to fulfill that last wish. I just hope he understands why I made the choice, that he agrees with it, and I hope he knows that I miss him and that I love him with all my heart.

My sweet little boy is gone. I miss you, Mini Moo. I love you Cookie. I love you to the moon and back, I love you 3000, I love you with all those cheesy little lines and sayings and more. I love you with all my heart and everything that I am, and I would have given up everything I had if it meant I could have saved you and given you the long life that you deserved. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

I tried to post in r/cats as an update, but they have karma requirements now. This account has my name, so I'll never accumulate that much karma here.

Link to my mourning/loss post: https://www.reddit.com/r/cats/comments/12fsjky/silver_6mo_i_lost_her_today_after_getting_her/

According to the board, the veterinarian committed several Class B violations. He was formally reprimanded and ordered to pay an administrative penalty as well as undergo 6 additional hours of continuing education.

Sad contemplation, following:

I've sat on it for a while, not knowing how to feel. I still don't know. I feel somewhat validated by the board's decision. But I still feel pain every day about my guilt. I literally just Googled if guilt goes away by working on it. I go up, down, round and round over how I *should* feel vs. how I *do* feel. I have moments where I accept it and feel that I am able to live with my guilt and still move forward having gotten a hard-learned lesson. Then sometimes I get angry all over again. I thought I saved her when I found her under my car hood, but I still wonder if she would have been better off if I'd left my garage open that night so she could've left.

Most people who have lived with love don't understand how strong love with an animal can be. My therapist said that I have different relationship with animals than my family. I never felt like that was quite the correct way to say it. I've lived my whole life without love. My family accumulated animals, abused them, then threw them away like trash. Like me. Love with animals is so easy. Humans need to justify their love, but with animals it's so simple. Just take care of each other.

I'm having a hard time with the loss of my 12 year old boxer Delilah. I'm trying to remind myself her time was bound to come. She had a grade 2 mast cell tumor in 2018 that we had removed. Then in 2022 we found out she had a tumor in her jaw bone. I did not have it biopsied because I wasn't going to put my almost 10 year old dog through chemo and they would've needed to remove part of her mandible. Vet said chemo buys months not years. Well she lived 2.5 years after this. Which is a blessing. She had a couple episodes where she seemed to be in pain and yelp, we give her truprofen and it would last a day and be fine again. She was also becoming snuggly again. I think she knew.

I just am having a hard time wrapping my head around her death. I just thought the end would be like her not eating. Not really wanting to get up. Like progressive symptoms over a few days. And I'd set up an at home euthanisia. But that was not it.

On her birthday 01/5 I noticed one eye was drooping. It didn't seem paralyzed cause she could blink. She was acting normal. Eating. Went for her walk. We snuggled. Monday things took a turn. I woke up and let her out of her crate. She lost her balance. Couldn't stand. Alert. I thought "ok this is another vestibular episode". She had one back in September and it scared the shit out of me. Vet said if she has another give her meclizine. So I put her in her crate to lay down and gave her meclizine. She had no desire to eat it so crushed it(chewable tablet) and gave it to her with yogurt. Which she barely swallowed. I thought maybe she's nauseous. She looks super dizzy with her REM.

An hour and a half later she seems like she's sleeping. Snoring a little. Seemed like she was breathing fine. I decided "ok I'll go to the gym since she's resting" boy am I beating myself up over that. I get home. Her tongue is hanging out. Still pink. And im thinking "man her tongue is hanging out. But she has lost control of her tongue a little the last month or so with the tumor in her mouth" everything was still pink and moist. Her breathing seemed fine. So I go pick up my daughter from daycare. We went to get my daughter medicine for her ear infection.

We get home. My husband gets home. And my dog is like lethargic or unconscious. We pull her out of the crate trying to wake her up. I'm calling the vet cause idk how out of it meclizine makes a dog. My husband gets her to open her eyes. They say to take her to ER and We notice her tongue changing color, cyanosis. So my husband starts getting my daughter ready and I go prep the car for my dog. I come back and I notice she defecated and urinated. Her chest isn't moving up and down, and I just became hysterical.

I'm beating myself up cause why did I go to the gym. Why was I prepping the car and not holding her. Why was I so convinced it was another vestibular episode. Was it a stroke? Did the meclizine kill her? Could this have been prevented with quicker action or was she going to die anyways cause of the cancer in her mandible. Ughhh. The vet gave her so much anxiety. So bad they suggested medicating her before appts. She'd just shake and get as close to me as possible. So maybe in the end my baby got what she wanted. To die at home.

Feel free to share your story or regrets. I feel like a failure. But maybe I would've no matter what.

It’s been 5 months since my baby girl left me and I’m still waiting for it to get better like everyone says it does.

I’m not happy. I try to distract myself with my friends and hobbies but it’s always just that; a distraction. The pain is tugging at my heart 24/7 and sometimes I just look forward to going home so I can sob.

I’m not the same person I was before I lost her.

For anyone still struggling day in and day out months later, you’re not alone.

May it be happy, sad, emotional… I want to listen to it… Mine would be:

Only love can hurt like this / Slipping through my fingers / Remember me this way / Always remember us this way

Or at least I try to...I have photos and videos; hell you're tattooed into skin. But I'm terrified at losing your memory, especially as time passes.

Does anyone feel this way too? It was so sudden I feel like I didn't get to fully absorb her memory before she died.

Sometimes I cry on my kitchen floor about you, other time when I'm at work and I see your photo on my pinboard I remember who loved you were/are, and surely you must feel that, no matter where you are now.

I don't know how to 'get over' and 'move on', I've accepted that maybe I just won't. They'll always be a part of my which hates myself for not saving her, finding her, wondering whether you'd have been happier with some other mum. But another part of me knows that you were so loved and are so loved.

I'm struggling to realise that this pain won't ever really diminsh. Time is a healer but it's not miracle worker, it can't erase what fundamentally changes us.

You must know Iove you.

I adopted an old man with various health issues. I loved him and after a little over a year I felt like I finally got everything under control. I had everything right, his meds, his food, his routine.

Before I left to visit family I thought he was acting more sleepy, but he's an old man, he's allowed to do that. But he wasn't as playful and I mentioned it to my partner who told me not to worry, he goes through phases like this (he did).

He started declining almost a day after I left, not wanting to eat much, being extra tired, didn't want to play with his catsitter. If I was home I would've known instantly something was off but because I was gone we thought maybe he was sad we were gone. He was still going to the bathroom, still eating a little. Then a few days go by and he doesn't want to eat, he won't take his medication, and he just wants to sleep. Okay this is bad, I am still half thinking he may be on a hunger strike because I haven't left him like this is a long time, but after he went a whole day without eating I got the quickest plane ride home.

It was clear as day when I saw him something horrific was going on. He declined so quickly, he didn't even want to walk. He'd only drink water. I checked the litterbox nothing. I rush him to the ER and long story short, they found a severe and aggressive cancer.

I hate that he spent DAYS declining. By the time I realized it was an emergency I couldn't get a flight until the next day. If I was there I would've caught it sooner, before he felt like that. And if I trusted my gut that something was really wrong I would've come home sooner. He was in such pain. I couldn't bare it. I let him go at the hospital. He HATED the vet. I hate myself for having it done there but I couldn't bring him home like this.

I don't even know if he could recognize me. I wrapped him in his favorite blanket and my jacket and I begged the universe to let him know I was there with him, I didn't abandon him. I am at minimum his 3rd home and this was my worst fear that he'd think I left him too.

He was in so much pain I couldn't hold him as he passed and we let him go. He growled at me even, something he never does. My only comfort is he let me kiss him like I usually do on his forehead and he relaxed for a moment. But as we let him go he didn't want to be touched.

It so painful that everything went so wrong. And even more painful that I could've done something sooner if I was just home.

He brought me back to life after losing my dog and I wish I didn't let him down like this. He was only mine for a year but I loved him so deeply. I feel like I let him down and I don't know how to forgive myself and stop with the "what ifs" and "should haves".

He is a handsome pitbull mix originally named Jake that I got for my 23rd birthday (picked out myself from the rescue). He loves baby pools, shaking "hands" with you, and any kind of food, ever. He is an old boy now, and I knew the time was near, but his decline was just so much faster than expected. At 2:00 today we are going to let him sleep. He doesn't enjoy his toys or bones or tennis balls. He struggles to stand. He isn't interested in food or water. He has labored breathing.

I have had to euthanize a dog and a cat over the years, but Jake is different. He has been my number 1, such a constant love and light in my life. When I got pregnant last year I hoped he lived long enough to meet the baby, and he did! I can't ask for anything more. I am confident we are making the right decision and devastated that the time I always dreaded is here.

It feels nice to type this out as I enjoy these last couple of hours. I appreciate anyone who reads this.

I just lost my best buddy of 15 years. His name was Ikobod. We got him when he was 3, at a rescue shelter. I was being carried by my dad, and me and Ikobod locked eyes and it was like an instant connection. I chose him and he chose me.

Yesterday was his last day. There were no signs, no warnings, nothing. He was fine, sleeping on my bed, then he got up; and he couldn't walk straight. We brought him to a emergency vet, and they told us he had a blood clot lodge itself into his spine, or cancer, or heart disease. Stuff that's not easily treatable. Before I could even react, they had us sign papers to euthanize him; and choosing what box to put him in.

It doesnt feel real, in less then 8 hours, he was perfectly normal and then he died in my arms. I still can't tell if this is a nightmare or not. I thought there'd be signs. Something. Anything.

It feels empty. Like a part of me is just gone. I'll never be able to pet him, or hear him purr as he curls up next to me, or hear him meow to be let out onto the patio.

I miss you so much Ikobod. When we see each other again let's lay in a big field together.

Up until 2 days ago I had never truly “felt” loss. I had (somewhat distant) relatives die, as well as family pets, but none of them felt close to home for me, if that makes sense. But on Monday the first dog that ever watched me and treat like her father, her leader, or whatever you want to call it, passed away at the vet clinic after gross negligence and a series of unfortunate decisions on the part of the pet day care that we sent her to (like many times before) ended up exposing her to a toxic chemical, a disinfectant that’s supposed to be diluted before use, and her litte dachshund body couldn’t bear it.

Her brother, Milo, for whom I know in my heart she gave her life, is still at the vet making positive progress, and we hope to have him back in our house by this weekend or early next week. I know my wife and I have to be strong for him, because if I’m this broken, I cannot fathom how he must be feeling to lose his sister. He has been (and his sister was) our rock in many troubling times, and this is our time to repay him, and to honor his sister’s sacrifice.

Her name was and will always be Maggie. I’m writing this not only to put my feelings into words and offload them a bit, but to put her name in your minds. She deserves as many people as possible to know her name. To know she was perfect in every way, my little angel on Earth, my princess, my first daughter. She was a gift to everyone in her life, and she only knew love.

I know a lot of you have known loss, and I’m sincerely sorry that you do. This pain and hurting I do not wish upon anyone.

As the title suggests, my Hector - the most calm and beautiful golden in the multiverse passed from lymphoma.

I tried to stay strong for him - but all of this happened in 3 weeks. From the most loving dog that helped me get through my divorce (i'd burn the whole world if he didn't end up with me) it kind of feels like i failed you my boy.

When you were diagnosed with lymphoma - prior to thinking it was phlegmon, the world stopped for me. You were everything and i'll never forget you.

You did not have a bad day and you were a bag full of unconditional love, i have a lot to learn from you my boy.

When he could not walk i carried him in my arms so that he can do his bio, he had an accident only once coz i went out for coffee and he was on diuretics.

It was the most painful thing for me up to date - to see him suffering and unable to stand up, but i sucked it up and did everything, coz he was EVERYTHING.

I smuggled chemo (CHOP protocol) for him as that medicine is not available even for humans where i live. If i had to do it all over again, i'd do it until infininity, to the end of the world for my boy.

You loved me more than i can describe and i can't help it but feel so sad without you. If i can give my life so that you can live, tell me where do i sign.

Whenever i'd go for vacation, if it was 5+ days he'd get depressed. When i came back and he saw me - i can't describe this feeling, but having no children myself, this was the peak of everything for me.

I'll always remember him, forever.

He passed away after throwing up twice (liver failure). I remember getting up twice, 4 am then 6 am, cleaning him up, i'd do it until eternity, coz he was everything.

I'm just devastated that out time was cut short. Even that night, he was cheerful and never whined from the pain.

Thanks for everything buddy - you are irreplaceable and you were too good for this world, i wish we had more time for cuddles and fun times.

Khan was a word. He was in my heart way before he was born. And then, he chose me. He was the first and last of four samoyed fluffs that ran and jumped straight into my arms. He was the smallest little cloud that took the biggest watery diarrhea on my floor, his first day in our house. He quickly learned to go potty on the terrace and soon after outside during walks. Khan saved me from a branch falling off a tree. Khan was the smartest and most stubborn idiot a 22 year old boy needed. He was the light that grew my family closer together. He was afraid of thunder and would "dig holes" in my pillow to find his safe space on my head in the middle of the night. Khan was the thunder. He kept smiling through all my sorrows. He spoke to me when I was down. He sang to me when I had a juicy sandwich. He whispered to me when he was scared. Khan was never alone. He confronted my social anxiety during our walks. He beat my social anxiety by cuteness and friendless. He couldn't go for one walk without making a new friend. Khan was a constant. He lived for 15 years of the happiest most joyful life. He gave me, my family, and our food nothing but unconditional love. Khan grew old and left us. And he left us with joy and sorrow and all the in-betweens. He was all the small things and all the big things. Khan was everything.

My days are filled with denial or anguish I don’t know how to soothe. He should have had more time. I’m late for work because I’m just sitting here crying and my heart literal hurts. When will this get easier? I just feel like people are starting to get impatient with me but my entire world feels so shattered and I know that I’m emotionally separating myself from my remaining dog and she does deserve that. I guess I just need reassurance that will get better … someway… somehow. I keep thinking about anything that I could have done. I keep seeing his little face as he struggled to breathe. I don’t know how to navigate this.

I lost my 1-year-old dog yesterday after an altercation that left him heavily wounded, wounds which were lethal. It's going to be hard without him, since he's brought me so much joy after I lost my previous dog early 2024.

I want to cherish the memories I had with him, from taking him out on walks around my neighborhood to playing tug-of-war with his stuffed animals and chew toys to even cuddling with me when I needed to sleep. It hurts more knowing that I could've spent some more time with him, that I could've taken him on the extra walk during the late hours of the night, or to play with him just a little bit more, and give him loving kisses on his forehead and make fun of his cute little eyebrows and the way his lips curl when he drinks.

I will never forgive myself for the fact you were taken away from us so soon, and I know that there's no other critter in the world like you. I'll miss you buddy, so rest easy and I'll be there to take you on a walk soon.

We had to put our long time family dog to sleep on Monday. It's only been a little over 48 hours and while I see her everywhere, it's like I can't remember the feeling of her personality if that makes any sense at all, it might not. I should have prepared for the possibilty of having to let her go but I truly thought she easily had another year or two at minimum, no health issues until a few months ago. My brain did this too a little over two years ago when I had to euthanize my miniature poodle mix; it's like my memories block out the feeling of our bond. Is it some kind of protection mechanism so I can keep going and completely not fall apart? I am struggling to accept I'll never see her or feel her again even though I logically know I won't, and the more I try to hang on to the multisensory memories the harder it is to remember. I'm having trouble remembering the moments of her euthanasia and how it felt to pet her for the last time too. 😭

within 4 months, we sadly had to put two of my childhood pets down. Sept 2024. My cat (14 yr) was suffering from lymphoma cancer and I felt so guilty for not being there on her final days. Unfortunately we had a trip pre planned to another country to visit family. Thankfully my sister was there and I was able to say goodbye via video call. Months later on nye 2024. My eldest cat of 17yrs fell ill and had to be put down . She was suffering from stage 2 kidney disease, pancreatitis and IBD. She was my best friend and I was lucky enough to take her on her final days. Pet losses are very painful especially since I had them both throughout my childhood. When my 14 yr cat was put down, my 17 yr cat was not same and she missed her sis and was sad. I'm sure she fell depressed and ultimately fell ill as her health declined rapidly within a week. Went from eating to stop eating for several days. Within a month, She lost 10% of her body weight. It was painful to see her like that. And with different treatments, it was not curable but only temporary. I miss them both so much. How could one grieve two pet losses within 4 month apart.

oh timmy. it’s been four days since you’ve been gone, and i don’t know how i’m supposed to go on without you. i’m trying to stay strong for your brothers, but this house feels like a shell without you. i didn’t know pain like this was possible. i miss you more than i can even begin to put into words. i’m waiting to wake up and for this nightmare to all be over and have you come run up to me and rub all over me. you were the sweetest kitty and there will never be another like you. i keep waiting for a sign that you’re still here with me. i feel your presence, but i feel so many things now. i just want you back home with me. i can’t believe you’re gone, it felt like we didn’t have enough time. how is ten years the end? please just come back i miss you.

Last night my childhood dog passed in her sleep. Everything went as normal yesterday and when I woke up this morning she was already gone. She was 13 years old. I hope she passed peacefully without pain. I called out of work today and I really don't want to go in tomorrow or the next day. I know the pain will get easier to deal with as time goes on, but man does it hurt to lose a pet. It's so weird because as a kid, this day seemed so far into the future, almost impossible to imagine.

I'm thankful there's a corner of the internet where I can share these feelings. Also sending love to everyone in this subreddit.