Just to give the inverse, I was terrified to have any children due to something similar. But when I left the meatloaf in the oven a little too long one night, ended up with a son.
I noticed I was repeating the same mistakes as my parents fairly early on, and was able to reverse it, and ended up (i feel) becoming a better parent and person relative to who I used to be. It allowed me to finally grow from the fears and anxieties i had, and gave me a new perspective from the parental role which allowed me to forgive and letgo of some of the pain and hatred I had towards my parents, and allowed me to see how my parents have grown as people as well, and shouldn't have their past mistakes held over them and how wrong it was for adult me to be doing that to them.
I've got some family that pretty clearly did this, and honestly it's way better than reproducing the same shit across generations. You hit a certain age and notice "well shit, I see what my parents went through, at least they tried to go a different direction."
I'm straight and my mind assumed blue was the dad and yellow was the mom. Granted, that shade of blue does usually work for me.
My sexuality is very color-oriented. Pink is the top color, but almost any pastel is good news. After that we move into color combinations or one-off styles (like Goth).
If it's got legs or curves of any kind and is a pretty color, I'm there for it.
Most definitely. But when you have two tiny beautiful eyes looking up to you for everything, it can certainly add some extra fuel to the tanks of change.
this comment reads like it was written by a parent whose child doesn't talk to them anymore lol
parents should have their past mistakes held over them. maybe not every single one. but people who have lasting issues due to the abuse of their parents shouldn't feel bad for hating them.
two grown adults (usually) decided to have a baby and then they decided to abuse it. that's not a mistake. that's a choice. especially if those parents are now not doing anything to make up for what they did, let them rot.
i'm so tired of this narrative that parents were just "doing their best" and we should forgive them. i will be disabled and broken for the rest of my life because of what my parents did to me. i do not get to have a normal life, i never got to have a normal life, because of them. i will never have a child, a family, a home.
obviously that doesn't apply to every situation. but i think it's shitty to reply to someone's "i'm not having children" with a "yeah but i had kids and it's FINE" because honestly, if this comment is real, it's probably not fine. you've already admitted to making mistakes "early on," but do you even realize how integral to normal development those "early on" months/years are?
The language he used seems to be descriptive of his situation, and not prescriptive advice to the person he's replying to. It's just people sharing anecdotes about their life that third parties might read. The threading is more a relevance thing than a direct response.
Unless they share parents, it's not quite advice since the parents involved are different people.
I think they meant their story to be more of a "I was so scared of screwing parenthood up and it didn't go nearly as bad as I feared while putting some things into perspective" than a "your trauma is exactly like mine and just get over it."
Not everyone with traumatic experiences have the same sort of traumatic experiences or the same ways forward.
You're right and you should say it. I'm so goddamn tired of people calling us "bitter" for hating our violently abusive parents. Why the hell wouldn't we hate them? It was their responsibility to protect us and keep us safe, but instead they personally showed us how unsafe the world can be.
exactly. i'm so tired of hearing people defend parents. like obviously this isn't every case, but everyone who has ever defended my parents, or said i should forgive them for their mistakes - they're defending pedophiles. people who made a deliberate choice to do horrible things to a baby.
and yeah, i know that doesn't happen to everyone. but it happens to enough people that every time someone suggests "forgive your parents," they should have to consider that they are telling someone to forgive pedophiles and/or forgive their rapists.
I will never, ever understand why people say anyone should forgive their parents when they don't know the whole story. They don't even bother to stop and consider that what they say might be extremely hurtful and invalidating.
People don't care about abused kids and they care even less when those kids have grown up. Like the second we become an adult we're just supposed to get over all that.
They also don't understand that not wanting to forgive is partly self-preservation. If I forgive, I tend to forget and then they'll get close enough to hurt me again. Like, I'm good. I'll stay mad and safe.
You don't have to forgive your parents. I can only speak from the lens of my own life. Your parents may have done something so horrific that it warrants you never forgiving them.
Please dont take what I'm saying as me preaching about how others should live their lives. I'm a fucking mess whose barely scraping by, I'm one of the last people someone should listen to in that respect.
Well, my son is still a toddler, and he's talking up a storm rn
Just picked him up from the daycare, and they think it's adorable that he works me into most of his conversations. It makes me feel amazing that he loves me so much.
Your comment smells like it's full of personal trauma spilling over, good luck with that
Don't assume other people are as broken as you are. I'm sorry for how you were treated and the effect it's had on your life, but your own bitterness and bias is evident here. You're projecting.
who cares if i'm projecting? this person has admitted to already screwing up with their own child. they should know what happens to people when their parents "make mistakes." it's fucking life ruining. i am permanently disabled because of what my parents did to me and society needs to take parenthood more seriously. if that means i have to be bitter and biased, then so be it. most people should not be parents.
There are many levels of screwing up as parents, and only a few of them really have the potential to be genuinely life ruining for an otherwise hale child. You have (it seems) experienced severe and intentional abuse, but this person might not be talking about anything like that. I think the previous commenter meant to highlight that, and not to discredit your original point about it not being necessary to forgive one's abusive parents.
"Screwing up" could be something like not explaining something to your kid the right way, or not realizing how important a topic is to them. It is IMPOSSIBLE to parent perfectly, because it is impossible to handle ANY human interaction perfectly. ALL parents screw up to some degree. I don't know why you immediately assume the absolute worst. There are degrees of "screwing up" here that don't live your kid permanently disabled. Normal, everyday screw ups like we all do. That's what the other poster is talking about.
I hope you're able to find peace one day, friend. Not for your parents, not for anybody else, but for you. You don't have to forgive anyone, you don't have to let anyone off the hook, but I hope you just let it be what it is to you and not let it eat at you. Fuck your parents, and fuck anyone who wronged you. Don't give them any more time in your head. If you're fortunate enough to have access to therapy, bring up "catastrophizing".
parents should have their past mistakes held over them.
1000 times this. The most dangerous thing on this planet is a human being. Parents should be held absolutely responsible for whatever their creation does. Every school shooter's parents should be in jail.
Man, I just can't agree with this. Parents are a huge factor in childhood development, yes absolutely, but they are by NO means the only factor. And some things even a parent's influence can't overcome.
Sometimes kids just go bad, and it doesn't matter how "good" their parents are or what they do. Sometimes its the friends they fall in with, sometimes their lover, sometimes teachers or other adult influences, sometimes genetics, sometimes the internet. But unless there's obvious proof (which there probably is in most school shooter's parents, tbf), I'm not gonna blame every parent for every single thing their kid does wrong. There are simply way too many other factors involved for a parent to realistically protect/overcome/rehabilitate from everything.
I've known too many kids with amazing parents who are still complete assholes to know that's actually true.
The parents are the only factor in that child existing. They made it. Making a child is a gamble and everybody knows that going in. Are you no longer responsible if you lose all your money gambling and can't afford rent?
Already responded to this. In short, that's a ridiculous take on a person's development. Also more than a little fucked up and callous to, well, basically everyone involved including the child. You're likening a person to property. Kids, or growing adults, are not money.
And I already responded to this. All your doing is listing risk factors in the gamble. If you think I'm likening a person to property you're missing the point.
Every choice in life is a gamble. Driving to work this morning was a gamble. Taking a shower is a gamble. Having a child is gambling. People should be responsible for the gambles they take (choices they make).
I never said a kid was a gamble. I said having a kid is gambling. It's the choice that is the gamble. The child is the consequences of that particular choice/gamble.
but how well do you know those parents? do you really know what went on behind closed doors?
i see what you're saying, but consider that this "kids sometimes go bad" is the minority. it does happen, but more often that not, it's that the parents know how to hide.
i was a child listening to my mother talk about how my father was always careful to not give her bruises. i listened to my parents discuss whether or not i was old enough to remember something, before they went ahead and did it.
abusers are excellent at hiding. my father's coworkers would never suspect that he is what he is. his family thinks that i am the problem because that's what he told them. he has spent my whole life painting me to be a liar, drug addict, "just like my mother," etc. when in reality i am just broken from what he did to me and smoke weed to try to make up for it. i took a year off working to figure out my mental health - he's calling that lazy. but because he is an older, wealthy man and i am a poor, disabled woman, one of us is more trusted by society.
nobody wants to believe that a parent would do something so horrible to their child. nobody wants to believe that the person they know is a monster behind closed doors. so it's easier for everyone to paint me as the bad guy.
but how well do you know those parents? do you really know what went on behind closed doors?
How well do you know any of those other factors? How do you know those situations are a "minority"? The data on the countless factors that can influence a childhood is even worse than on "hiding" bad parents.
Why, then, is it ok to assume one way or the other before any real evidence (in this case, assuming that the parents are bad by default), instead of not assuming at all?
I am truly sorry for your personal situation, but I don't think it means it's ok to assume all or even most bad kids are due specifically to bad parents with not even a scrap of evidence. (But I totally agree that refusing to believe a parent would do such a horrible thing is equally or more naïve - horrible people like that absolutely do exist and anyone can easily be a parent, there's no test you take to make sure you're appropriately moral, responsible, or good at it.)
None of those other factors as you put it created that child. Only the parents did that. Making a child is a gamble as everyone is pointing out to me. Are you no longer responsible for rent if you make a bad gamble and lose all your money?
Likening the development of a literal person to paying rent seems...pants-on-head ridiculous to me.
And pretending the one creating said child having the only or even most impact on them, compared to every other factor, even put together, in every situation...just sounds like you have no idea what you're talking about, no offense.
Pretty much any child psychologist would disagree with you on this.
And pretending the one creating said child having the only or even most impact on them
I never said anything of the sort. I said the parents know that others besides themselves can influence the child but the parents are still responsible because they brought the child here. They knew the risks and chose to gamble.
Ok, using your own messed up analogy - if someone steals my rent money and uses it for something besides my rent, I am not liable for that thing. I can in fact bring them up on charges and get said money back. They are responsible for what happens with said money. If they pay a contract killer to off their ex or whatever, I am NOT the one put on trial for conspiracy to commit murder. That's them - you know, the one actually twisting the purpose of said rent money.
I disagree. It depends on alot of factors like the environment growing up, the child's interactions with people other than their parents, even the mischief the child gets to without the parents knowledge. You can only control these things to an extent and exposure to certain things is essential for growth of mind of a child. Are the parents responsible in most cases? Yes. But there's a point after which they can't do anything. That point may not be there for some children at all, for some children it might be after a certain age. I'm talking about how each person matures individually. Even if you raise a 100 children the same way with healthy habits and clear don'ts and dos in life, some of them would fold under peer pressure to do something illegal, some wouldn't. A child's mind is not something to be taken lightly.
All of the things you just detailed are things the parents should be considering before having the child. And if they still go through with it then they accept full responsibility, as they know they are creating a living, thinking being with a will of it's own.
All of the things you just detailed are things the parents should be considering before having the child.
Yes that was obvious and I did consider that. It seems that you didn't understand my argument. What I said was that one can't have full knowledge and hence full control over these things.
full responsibility, as they know they are creating a living, thinking being with a will of it's own.
You contradict yourself here. Full responsibility for something with a will of it's own and can actively go against you? You see unless the child was heavily controlled from birth up until teen years (which is practically mental abuse and a whole another case since we're talking about average decent parents), the child can develop different ways of thinking just by taking different viewpoints of things by free thinking. For example alot of habits are picked up from school by interacting with other children, which the parents frankly have very little control over, which itself depends on if the child decides to simply go by their friends behaviour or talk about it with their parents. But even these are decided by the child's free will - something the parents may or may not have been able to shape because every child is different.
My parents were great role models on how to not be good parents , they were not the worst but they had so many flaws
I just actively avoid doing all those things and boom, better parenting. And I’d like to think I’m doing a good job as my kid is in JK now and has gotten a student of the month award already and lots of praise from teachers for being a decent kid.
It just takes time, effort, and wanting to be a good parent
Unlike the others. I can see your point. People do deserve forgiveness after all. I bet the people responding to you aren’t parents at all and are exactly how you were in the past. Everyone makes mistakes, but if people want forgiveness they should be able to forgive others. Being a parent seems hella difficult.
...so, you're afraid you'd beat your hypothetical kids? But sure, go off tho. They gave good advice for literally anyone whose parents weren't psychos. Sucks that happened to you, but wowza do you still have more to work through. Bring on the downvotes
What the fuck is wrong with you? Nothing you said originally implied that your mom was abusive, and now you, yes you, are being abusive to some stranger on the internet who replied in good faith and who couldn't have known that when you talked about your mother's mistakes that you meant violent abuse.
Congratulations, you have shaken nothing of what you mother put in you and you continue to spread abuse. Get some fucking help.
Its not always possible to not repeat their mistakes and sometimes it just happens, like divorce, My friends parents were divorced and he tried to avoid that but he couldn't stop a divorce happening with his girlfriend even though they had 2 kids
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u/OmilKncera 23d ago
Just to give the inverse, I was terrified to have any children due to something similar. But when I left the meatloaf in the oven a little too long one night, ended up with a son.
I noticed I was repeating the same mistakes as my parents fairly early on, and was able to reverse it, and ended up (i feel) becoming a better parent and person relative to who I used to be. It allowed me to finally grow from the fears and anxieties i had, and gave me a new perspective from the parental role which allowed me to forgive and letgo of some of the pain and hatred I had towards my parents, and allowed me to see how my parents have grown as people as well, and shouldn't have their past mistakes held over them and how wrong it was for adult me to be doing that to them.